By becoming compassionate, we understand that when we come into this world as a small baby all we want to do is love and be loved.  However, because we don’t feel we are getting the love we are looking for – which is unconditional love, being loved just the way we are, warts and all – we learn to develop ways of getting love.

We notice that if we get bad results at school we get told off, and when we get good marks we are praised.  We see that praise as a form of love, so we consciously or sub- consciously start trying to achieve higher grades.  Just to try and get that love.  If we don’t make the mark we may beat ourselves up, because we feel not good enough.  Many of us can carry these feelings of inadequacy right through our adulthood.  We try to achieve more and more, always looking for that acceptance, that unconditional love.

Maybe we aren’t very good in a particular subject and this need to achieve makes us cheat.  The teacher catches us copying from someone else and tells us off in front of the whole class.  Then we feel ashamed and that shame becomes even greater when our parents find out and they shout at us and  call us a terrible person for cheating. They never thought a son or daughter of theirs would do such a terrible thing, that their child would never lower themselves to cheat.  We are then left feeling like an outcast, a terrible person; there must be something wrong with us.  We then buy into shame.

Shame can come in many ways.  The child who has been abused in some way, can feel shame because they blame themselves for what has happened to them.  They think they did something to deserve this to happen to them.  So they feel ashamed.   If we don’t fit into what society sees as ‘normal’ we can learn to feel ashamed.

How many of us have slept around just looking for love?  We mistakenly think that sex is love.  Many of us have made that mistake.  Underneath it all we are just looking for love.  We all desperately need love to survive.  If we don’t get love we wither and die inside.

Bullies feel bad about themselves and are usually in a lot of emotional pain.  They try to escape their feelings by causing someone else pain.  Underneath it all, they simply want to be accepted and loved exactly as they are.  It is amazing how people, including bullies, can change, when they receive unconditional love.

I would ask you to look back at the things you did in your life that you may feel guilty about or ashamed of.  Can you see that you did these things in search of unconditional love?

Guilt and shame are two of the emotions that can lead to low self-esteem.   Do you recognise this in yourself?

When you reach the stage where you realise that you were searching for unconditional love, you will start to have compassion for yourself, and in time, forgive yourself.  Then you can learn to give yourself the love you have been searching for.  You will realise when you have that love inside yourself, you then start to receive it from those around you.  Your outer world reflects your inner world.

With this compassion and understanding of yourself, comes understanding and compassion for others, which in turn helps you to have better relationships.

Copyright Daphne Whitehouse 2007

www.daphnewhitehouse.com

Read more of Daphnes articles

The Inner Child

Anger

We ask that the time of world peace is now

Each person surrender to their higher selves and gain a new higher peace and serenity

Leave behind the residual conditioning and emotions of the past and cultivate a new level of understanding, forgiveness and compassion

Enabling the world’s population to live together in acceptance of each person’s individuality, diversity and beliefs

Embracing a new level of stability, security, world peace, plenty for everyone, harmony and unity

As each person moves forward on this level of unconditional love, may they shine and become empowered as they recognise their individual strengths, gifts and talents, and accelerate their own learning, experience, knowledge and wisdom

Let us understand how all of this can effect a new foundation and benefit the highest good of mankind and humanity

May each person make a difference in our World and from this life experience move forward with understanding and enlightenment

As this prayer is said with the highest levels of love, sincerity and integrity

In Love, and Light and Healing

So be it, so it is

THESE WORDS WERE GIFTED TO VANESSA EDWARDS DURING JULY 2006. PLEASE FREELY SHARE THEM AROUND OUR WORLD.

Vanessa was recently awarded the coveted Amassador for Peace award from the  Universal Peace Federation.

There are now over 30 000 Prayer cards in circulation and more are about to be printed.

To contact Vanessa visit www.vandaehworks.co.uk

It is said that the eyes are the mirror of the soul, so as you look into your own soul’s mirror, take a good look and ask yourself what you see. Is the light in your eyes diminished because your soul lies dormant and un-awakened to the truth of your life? Is your life force ebbing away? Many people often find it easier not to ask questions, but to continue with a ‘half-life’ because they believe that if they start to ask these big questions, they will possibly find out that the life they have chosen to continue with will have to change. Change, to most people, is the scariest thing imaginable. Most people would rather live a life of misery, darkness and abuse (that could include self-abuse) than contemplate change. They usually think that if they change then that lets everyone else off the hook, and they themselves are in some way defective for having chosen to continue to live a half-life.

Once it dawns on them that something isn’t working, they would have the potential to feel alive, loving, contented, happy and prosperous. However, if they decide the only way to live is to manipulate circumstances to compensate, they merely paper over the cracks – unconsciously of course, telling themselves lies so they don’t feel vulnerable, and then go about setting up coping strategies such as over-eating, under-eating, alcohol, drugs, excessive shopping sprees, running up debts and credit, and entering into bad relationships, including family and work relationships and so-called romantic relationships. Turning to obsessive behaviour and controlling and policing themselves as a way of feeling less vulnerable, they become their own abusers rather than getting to know themselves. So we come back to the original questions: Who am I; how can I get to know myself; how can I get to know this unique person, and how can I be all that I can be and achieve personal happiness?

When you actually bear in mind that the only person you will have the longest relationship with is yourself, you will need to consider how you can accommodate this very special relationship and how can you meet this person’s needs. A good way forward is to nurture a loving relationship with yourself. Once achieved, you then begin to come alive, because you are coming alive to the reality of your life, so you  can create your truth, not someone else’s truth passed down to you by proxy.

When you begin to seek out defective beliefs such as not being good enough, or being unlovable or whatever it may be that set you off on the road to the dark side, you can then go about seeking out who told you this garbage that you have held onto like a precious gift for so many wasted years, and once you have exposed the culprit or culprits, you can go about challenging those beliefs. Such defective beliefs given to you so long ago that it became part of who you are, stay trapped in the unconscious mind and become part of your magnificent computer – your brain, hard-wired so that you are never allowed to feel good about yourself or any aspect of your life.

Negative internal voices, negative feelings and harrowing, negative visions, become your partners in crime, allowing your life to become a drama inviting other people to join you in your drama to ensure that the defective programming remains hard-wired until the day you die.

How sad is that? All of us, walking around programmed to believe we are not good enough, unlovable, thick, useless or disposable, yet with some of us clinging to the hope that someone on a white charger would one day make life better or take us away from it all, only to invite more abuse to verify the programming.

In order for us to successfully overcome such set-backs in life, our unconscious mind holds the key: Our formative years are so important, for we are ‘learning machines’. We learn about love and our place in the world from our parents and significant others, and retracing our early life and uncovering the lessons we were taught by significant others in our life, is all-important. If you were rejected in some way by a parent, or abused, then your self-worth will be affected and your likely belief will be that “I am unlovable”. You will be programmed to bring about that reality by making sure that during the course of your life, you enter into relationships that will cause you rejection and pain.

All is not lost! Just ask: “What do I believe about myself?” Help is available to change the way you think and feel about yourself. Help for you to learn how you can live a good life; a life filled with self-love, self-respect and a healthy respect for those around you. Remember that you are powerful beyond imagination, and you are capable of creating your own heaven or hell, so make your life a life worth living, and regain the power over your life in the best possible way. It’s never too late to make the changes, because you are worth it!

By: Violet Norman

The “Know Yourself” workshop, together with a range of self-help and other courses are held throughout the year by Violet Norman at her therapy centre at Eden House in Pembrokeshire, West Wales. Full details can be found by visiting Violet’s website at www.eden-house.net and you can get in touch by telephoning the Centre on 01239 841499, or by e-mail to: -violet.light@yahoo.co.uk

The Law of Attraction is not something new it has always been available to everyone and it was the magicians and seers in earlier times who would conjur up their master’s wishes by using their INTENTION of THOUGHT to ask the universe for its help in gaining their master’s desires which came in many forms such as finding their one true love or being rich – very much the same as many of us think we want to manifest for ourselves today.

These days we are being told we can all do it for ourselves, that we do not have to have any magical powers, but is this so!    In the book “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne she writes that many people have manifested their heart’s desire with great jobs, more money, life partners by working with the universal energies that surround us in our everyday lives.  Barbel Mohr writes “ that she requested a man to come into her life” – remembering to write down everything even putting whether he is tall or short and the date that she wants him to come into her life not too far into the future.  By setting the date this is making an appointment with the universe to manifest what you wish most for in your life – “be careful what you wish for”.  Barbel was astounded when this man came into her life and she tried it again with an apartment and again the right apartment came along as requested.

This gives us some idea of how we can manifest for ourselves what we would like in our lives.  Three years ago I was having problems selling our house as the housing market was not looking good.  I decided  to ask the universe for a three bedroomed house within easy reach of the station and my daughters school and with a nice garden and in good decorative order and something I could easily afford and for it to be an easy move.

Within a month a couple came to look at my property and they put in an offer on the house which was lower than I had anticipated and we left it at that.  Later that week I saw a For Sale board outside a house on the way to the station and I asked the estate agent if I could view the property, he was astounded as I had my house on the market with this agent and he knew we had had an offer on our property.  It was then he told me that the people who owned this house where the same people that had made the offer.  I went along and viewed the property and was amazed to find that it had all the requirements that I had written down in my “cosmic order” to the universe and when it came to purchasing it was very easy as there were not other purchasers involved.

An exercise for manifesting:

1.  Write down what you want to achieve with all the details.

2. Think of an image that will create what you wish to achieve.

3. Change your surroundings to reflect what you have envisioned for yourself you, what you have now achieved (put up pictures, rearrange your home, go to places where you can experience what you want.)

4. Pay attention to what you say and your thoughts as these will be manifesting towards want you want to achieve.

5.  Meditate for 5-10 minutes a day and imagine what it feels like to have achieved your goal, how you would behave, what would you wear, what are your surroundings, how do you feel when you have achieved what you want.

6.  Make a manifestation board and cut out pictures and words that reflect what you want to achieve and put it somewhere where you can see it every day.

7.  Always stay positive with thoughts and have positive people around you and your dreams will be achieved.

8.  Remember to set a date to achieve it by something realistic i.e. 2-3 months

I have always believed in the power of manifestation as my mother had always told me since I was a young girl that anything that I wanted “the universe would provide” I should just go and get it.  Little did I realise then that my mother was already using the “Law of Attraction” and manifesting abundantly all the time!!!! She did spread the manifesting and whatever she manifested for our family she also gave a lot to others with her time, energy, wisdom and helpfulness.

The “Law of Attraction” is not only about creating abundance in our lives but also helping others to achieve their dreams too and manifesting what is good for people that come into our lives.  Its about being “grateful” for what we already have.  If we “can’t see the wood for the trees” and be grateful for what is in our lives already we cannot manifest good things to come into our lives if we do not appreciate what we already have with nice homes, good health and children and just being able to get up in the morning and eat breakfast.   Whereas many people around the world do not have that luxury and its when we are grateful for our everyday lives its then we can manifest something better. Always remember to help others, give to charity, be kind and considerate and give compliments.  Giving a compliment is one of the nicest things to do to say to someone “your hair looks nice today” “you look happy” and it costs nothing.

I needed a venue in London to hold my courses and I was holding a “Dowsing workshop” in London and one of the participants offered me a place to hold my courses when he knew I was looking for a venue.  This was such a generous offer and when things like this happen I am very grateful and it is like the film “Pass it Forward” where a little boy started a process of doing a favour but he did not want anything in return and he said for that person to “Pass it Forward” and do a favour for someone else and this carried on where no-one expected anything in return as it was being grateful for what you have received but be generous and help others to manifest their dreams to and remember to say “Thank You” for what you have received in any form you can AND BE GRATEFUL.

by Vicky Sweetlove

Vicky Sweetlove www.fengshuilife.co.uk tel: 01277203180

On that particular show Iyanla compared our spiritual progress with the levels in a building.

The people who live in the Basement blame everybody else for what is wrong with their lives. If only they had been born with more money, had a better education, were raised by more loving parents, etc, etc. These poor people believe they are powerless to change their lives, and like the survivors of a shipwreck, huddled in a tiny boat, they spend their days waiting to be rescued whilst enduring all the storms and deprivations which come their way.

In order to move onto the First Floor of the building, all you have to do is accept some responsibility for where you are in your life. Only when you can acknowledge the part you played, whether passive or active, can you hope to progress. First Floor people understand that life is full of choices, and they know that they have the final decision on how they live their lives. But unfortunately, they always choose what seems like the easiest course of action and do nothing at all.

To graduate onto the Second Floor requires action. On this level, you dare to dream, set goals and prepare to take the necessary steps to improve your life. Second Floor dwellers remind me of those students who spend hours and hours sharpening their pencils and preparing study schedules, but never seem to knuckle down and do their work. If you have reached this point, then you can be proud of your achievements, as most people never get this far. I lived on the Second Floor for three years.

To get to the Third Floor takes courage and determination. You have to stop dreaming and start doing. I don’t deny it’s difficult and it’s scary. You are exposed and vulnerable, and you have no-one to blame or hide behind. You will still make mistakes, and things may not always be rosy, but I guarantee you will jump out of bed in the mornings and embrace life. Every obstacle you overcome will make you stronger and you will find yourself getting closer and closer to achieving your goals. I wish I could share with you the sense of liberation and the sheer joy of being alive which I have gained since moving onto the Third Floor.

Then there is the final level – the Attic. This is where people like Mother Theresa and Ghandi would have lived. It is where we should all strive to live our lives, and each one of us has the potential to reach this level. People who live in the Attic have the power to change the world and the ability to experience mankind’s greatest joy. I’ll let you know what it’s like if I ever get there!

By reading this article you have at least visited the Second Floor and I hope you will have the courage to take a step nearer your dream. You are unique, you are amazing and you deserve the very best!

By: Suzanne Green

Most of us believe we have to fight life and its constantly changing conditions to survive or to keep ourselves afloat, yet this is not always strictly the case. We’ve become too bogged down by stress, routine and the many varied demands placed upon us, sometimes through our own choices and doing and sometimes not, but all equally draining, demanding and consuming none-the-less.

For many, life has lost its lustre, its glow. What happened to the promise of the future and the excitement of the now that we all dreamed of? We work hard and do our best yet we can sometimes even wonder at the point.

Despite our chosen lifestyle or vocation we all have the same ability to be happy and at peace, and its easier to attain than you might think. Everything about you is unique. No one thinks like you or talks like you, no one has had your life experience or follows the same path, you’re uniquely placed in life where you can achieve the highest good, yet we’re actually not as different as we believe, fundamentally we’ve more in common than we realise…

Each day is a new day, another chance to re-create, to make a difference, to redraw, be happy, to shift your balance and your boundaries, to reassess or to choose again right from scratch… How you live, how you act and interact, how you individually connect with daily life means everything. You’re not a pawn – you create the life you live bit by bit. Nothing is prewritten – we choose everything we are along the way. We dwell on what has past and worry about the future, yet today is where life’s full potential lies, with every word we speak and every thought that passes through our mind. Who we are and where we’re heading is directed by our own personal state of mind – and our state of mind itself depicts and finely tunes our health and happiness, it also transmits out on unseen frequencies our intentions and instructions to wider life…

We’re often more a product of our surroundings than of choice. We let others push our buttons, we react instead of create – we’ve forgotten that we came here to enjoy life’s journey. To understand the reasons your life has been the way it has, where you’ve been stuck and others too, where you’re heading, what you’re part of and what you intended to achieve and activate with your time here – you must first begin to see a bigger picture.

Everything about you connects to life. All you say, think, want or do connects with life. You actually program your own life story, you write your script, you list intention and direction – you add every single thing you are to the web of life…

When we stress, fear and worry we disconnect from life’s own positive mainframe, we stop vital energy and life force from flowing through. Things are not supposed to be as difficult as they are.  We interact with life – but forget it interacts with us, when we’re rigid we block much help, assistance, guidance that it could give, we’ve forgotten that we too form part of that bigger picture…

Nothing about you is haphazard or accidental. No-one else can pull your strings unless you let them. No-one knows how you feel inside or can feel the weight you bear – you alone have access to the load you carry.  Everything that happens anywhere does so for a reason, for either you or for the other party, so you must find the bottom line to work it through. Regardless of where you are today – or if life again falls short, every stage, every day – is a passing phase.

Happiness is a positive state of mind that is available to all. When you have it – for then at least – you’re open and in tune with the flow of life. You let yourself relax, take stress, turmoil and general living in your stride, you’re in tune with your inner self, feel balanced and at peace, Earth’s own life force and vital energy flows in and through your body – and that is what in turn you feed the planet…

Written by Hay House Author – Stephanie J. King.

Stephanie, a member of several healing organisations, is widely known and recognised as a gifted spiritual healer, counsellor, life coach and healing Medium, a reiki master and teacher.  She runs a weekly voluntary clinic where members of the public come for healing, life coaching/counselling, illness and addiction support.

To understand where you are in life, where you’re heading, what you’re part of and what you came here to achieve and do – visit www.channelledbyspirit.com.  The rest of your own Life is Calling…

When Bank Managers are getting worried and the news tells us that things are tough, how can we help battle this present financial situation?

Like you I could easily be affected by what is happening in the news. However, as with anything and everything in life we all have free will and the right and ability to make choices. I choose NOT to let it rule my life! As a complementary therapist and soul coach for the last 20 years, I have seen the economic state govern the lives and health of many and yet I am now starting to hear a different attitude. This is one of survival not sacrifice, of focusing on what really matters rather than what one can accumulate. We have recently been through some pretty financially reckless times where amassing a portfolio of property was the norm and spending was as virulent as a rash. In my book, ‘The Soul Whisperer’ I reveal how your soul tries to share its wisdom to help you create a truly abundant life of your dreams.

With this in mind to give you a fresh and positive approach, I believe I have found the keys to not only surviving but thriving in this present economic climate.
Here I am keen to share with you the top three of the seven secrets I have discovered for being your own highly abundant Spiritual Bank Manager:

Secret 1: What you ‘think about you bring about’
How many times have you thought about someone and they miraculously call or you bump into them? This is just one very common example of the potential of manifesting what you think about.
So if all we are thinking about is how bad our financial situation is or how little money we have and how many bills are coming through the letter box….then that is all we are going to GET!
I have seen many people lately manifest their dreams….confidently taking on new projects because that is what they have in their heart to do. And they are succeeding!

The most powerful ammunition in these present times is to focus on what you DO want and not on what you don’t.

Yes, the bills will still come in, however because you are focused on more positive, creative and nurturing things they will seem minor because what you focus on you attract and you will be focusing on the ‘good stuff’ so you will be getting more of that instead. Give it a try. Start with something small and incidental that you would like to attract and go from there. It works!

Secret 2: Don’t Give Away Your Power
The fuel which feeds this hungry monster called our economy is the state we let ourselves get into when we worry excessively and get over-stressed. We make ourselves into ‘fodder’ for the firing line of the media. You have a choice. You always have had choices. This is something that is one of your personal gifts of power. You have a choice about whether you are going to let yourself be governed by what you are told and equally how you are going respond.

By buying into the headlines and the scary letters and conversations around you, it is actually adding more power to what is happening. Reclaim your power. You are not a bad person just because you have a few bills to pay. You are not personally to blame for the entire present situation. You can start to make things better instantly. In fact you already are because you are reading this article! Choose to see the bills you may have as opportunities to develop and practice being creative in how you keep your creditors appeased. Choose to be discerning in your purchases by asking yourself ‘what will this add to my life’ the next time you consider a non-essential purchase.

For most of us we spend money at times when we feel we need a boost or in some cases as validation that we are ‘worth’ at least the value of the latest treasure we are about to add to our collection. The reality is that we were all born abundant. We have everything within us to give us an amazing life full of richness, joy and fulfilment. In so many cases though, we have given away our power to invoke these attributes of true wealth every time we are influenced by the media, fashion, trends or peer pressure. Who you are Is Enough! Reconnect with your power by recognising your talents, traits and gifts that are priceless and this will empower you and give you a feeling of control. No one can take these jewels from you unless you let them and it simply does not make sense to let them go to such a faceless villain.

Secret 3: Be Independently Wealthy!
Money can’t buy the two most important things in life – Health and Happiness. No matter what the situation outside yourself, these two invaluable commodities are universally and continually sought by everyone from the poorest of the poor to the incredibly rich. Money has nothing to do with the attainment and sustaining of these two most important aspects of a good life.

If your gym membership has lapsed then commit to spending the same amount of time in easily available activities like going for a nice long walk, no matter what the weather! Do stretching and gentle exercise at home, even better why not join up for one of the many charity fun-runs or similar events that are so popular now. Raising money for a good cause is still gives you a ‘warm glow’ in your heart, getting ready for it – even if you can’t run and intend to walk it, brings great benefits and ultimately most people are able to give even a little to help charities and it makes them feel good too! So it is a win-win situation all round!

When it comes to boosting your happiness levels, first of all spend some time determining what really really makes you happy. Chances are that it will be something that money cannot buy. If it is getting together with friends, family, being in the garden, or being alone in your own private sanctuary of your making, take time to re-acquaint yourself with the richness of the simple things. Make sure you always take a few quiet moments to be totally present in whatever situation brings you this level of happiness and joy. Breathe in the flavour of the time you are experiencing and remember that this is what life is all about!

Employing these three secret keys to becoming your own highly successful spiritual bank manager will start you on your path. Nothing will change unless we collectively change our thinking – you have a choice about what you believe in – choose to believe in yourself!

By Anna-Louise Haigh

Taken with permission from Anna-Louise’s e-book Beating the Credit Crunch – 7 secrets to becoming your own Spiritual Bank Manager!
Visit www.anna-louisehaigh.com or www.beasyoursoul.com for your copy.
Anna-Louise is a Certified Soul and Past Life Coach

We are not born with anger. Anger is an emotion we learn from those around us. We come into this world wanting to be ourselves, however our parents, siblings, teachers, church etc. have their own idea of what we should do and how we should behave. They try to force their beliefs onto us. It is of course done, as far as they are aware, for our own good. However what they fail to realise, is that what is good for them is not necessarily good for us. We are all unique human beings. We all have our own unique abilities and talents. We all, at a deeper level, know what we want to do for our highest good. So, when others try to control us and make us do things the way they think we should do them, and we do what they want, then we are kicking and fighting against our true nature and abilities. We are then in turn suppressing our true selves. This suppression eventually becomes resentment towards those who won’t accept us as we really are. Eventually the resentment turns to anger.

What causes anger?

Non – acceptance
Control
Expectations not being met

I grew up being very frightened of anger – other peoples anger and of course my own. I only saw anger being expressed in destructive ways. I was so frightened of anger that I would do anything to avoid people throwing their anger at me. If I could walk a mile to reach my destination and have to face anger on the way, or walk 100 miles and not face anger, I would opt for the latter every time.

When anyone threw their anger at me, it was as if my brain would freeze with fear. I would find it hard afterwards to remember what had been said. I always denied that I had any anger. I was working on my own self-development for about 5 years before I got in touch with my anger. Even then I was in denial right up until the end. I just woke up one morning and as soon as I put my feet to the ground I just went berserk. I picked up a pair of trainers and nearly throw them through the window. Common sense prevailed however, and instead I beat shit out of the wardrobes with the trainers. My husband and daughter may have thought I had finally flipped but I can assure you no one was more surprised than I. It was very interesting as well, to hear what I was saying. Things such as: “Why does every one keep telling me what to f****** do all the time?”, “Whey can’t they just leave me alone and f****** let me do what I want to do?”, “Why do they keep making me do f****** things I don’t want to do?”

I think it was probably the release of this anger which finely gave me the courage to be able to stand up for myself against others peoples anger, instead of just freezing. The first time I did, I remember my body was shaking and my face went quite pale as well.

Just a few days after this – on Christmas Eve, something happened. My husband was at work and my daughter was out playing with friends. I had put the Christmas tree up but had not put any decorations on it as yet. Then I went out shopping. Upon my return I walked into the front room and to my utter amazement, saw a red feather lying under the Christmas tree. It wasn’t there when I went out, nobody had been in the house and it seemed it had just appeared from nowhere.

Some time later, I happened to be speaking to a medium and asked him about the feather. He said that it was a sign from spirit that they were pleased with me and that I had achieved something. Until this time, I hadn’t connected the feather with my standing up to anger. However, when he explained this to me, it made perfect sense. He said that the Native American Indians had to work to obtain each feather in their head-dress. Later on, over several years, I had other feathers mysteriously appear. The colours I got were pink, blue, green and white. The astounding thing about these feathers was that they were all exactly the same size and shape even thought they came one by one over many years. I was informed that you never saw an Native American Indian head-dress with different shaped feathers in it. I have to agree with that.

So, from being so scared of anger, now the Anger Releasing is my favourite part of the workshops I run. I am so pleased when people start to release anger at these workshops because I know that they will feel much better for it. They will release blocked energy It allows them to move forward in life and they will not have to create an illness to release their anger from their bodies.

Anger can cause us lots of problems. So many of us only saw anger expressed in a destructive way when we were children, if it was ever expressed at all. We were more than likely told to “shut up and stay quiet”, if we tried to express our anger. Maybe those adults around us that didn’t express their anger kept it inside and it came out instead in insults, snide remarks or resentment. After they had suppressed their anger for so long, it was like a pressure cooker; the lid couldn’t be kept on any longer and they suddenly exploded. Their anger was released at some poor person who just happened to be close by. If we hold anger in our bodies and don’t let it out, it will probably come out in some form of illness, and anger turned inwards can also cause cancer and depression.

When we grow up in a family environment where either anger is suppressed, or anger is expressed in a destructive way, we are likely to learn at a very early age not to express our anger. We become frightened and scared of anger, other peoples and then our own. We become frightened to express our own anger because we are afraid we will let it out in a destructive way as well. We probably would, because that’s what we have learnt from those around us.

When we become frightened of anger, it can cause us to suppress other emotions as well. We become so afraid that people will throw their anger at us, that we learn to play safe around these people. We learn what we can say and can’t say that will get an angry reaction or not.

Things can become so ingrained in us. We are carrying on doing them as adults and are not really aware of why we are doing them. When I was a child, my parents were always arguing in the middle of the night. My mother would get up and shout that she was leaving and never coming back. Sometimes she would just go down to the kitchen and make a lot of noise, other times she would actually get the bike out and be leaving. I would lie in bed straining to hear so I would know what she was doing. In my head I would be saying “please, please make it up”. As soon as I would know that she had got the bike out and I heard her pass the bedroom window, I would jump out of bed and run down the avenue after her shouting and screaming at her to please not go. She would always come back with me and say that she would never leave me. However, it would be the same thing all over again the next night or the night after. This was all so ingrained into my sub-conscious mind, that even as an adult, when I would hear people arguing in the street, I would freeze on the spot and would have to listen to see what the outcome would be. I would catch myself saying the same thing in my head, wanting them to make up. Even at night time, if people coming home late from a disco or pub started arguing coming up our street and I woke up and heard them, I would be straining to hear if they would make up or not. And, if my husband started to snore and I couldn’t hear what they were saying, I felt like f****** killing him. It wasn’t until I started working with my inner child, that I realised I was doing all this and where it stemmed from. When I did the healing work with my inner child, I was able to let this go. Now, if I hear people arguing, it doesn’t bother me at all.

Whatever happens in our outer world is a reflection of our inner world. All the time we are holding onto unexpressed anger, we will attract anger to us. We will attract people to us who express anger in a destructive way, or we will find ourselves in an environment where anger is being expressed. Why? – Because they are reflecting the anger inside ourselves. When we start to deal with our anger, we will find these angry people and situations will stop appearing in our live

Many people can be in denial of having any anger. I have done many workshops where people have said they didn’t have any anger. Yet during the anger releasing exercise they either sat crying all the time or they couldn’t stay in the room with other peoples’ anger. Crying during anger releasing; this to me is always a good indication that people are holding onto anger. Under the tears they will find anger. We often learnt as children that it was more acceptable to cry, than it was to show or express our anger.

Not being able to stay in a room while others are letting their anger out is a good indication that people are holding onto anger. The reason they feel so uncomfortable with someone else’s anger, is that it is triggering off the suppressed anger within themselves, and on a sub-conscious level they are really frightened that their anger may start to come out. So they try to get away from the situations as quickly as possible. When I have said this to some people who have had to leave the room, they denied they had any anger and said they had dealt with it in the past. Some of these people have been back to me since, saying they were now getting in touch with their anger. It took some people weeks, others took months and some even a year or two. They have come back and said they were quite surprised that they were now starting to get in touch with their anger. They realised they were holding onto anger but were in denial. Sometimes we can be in denial of being in denial.

I myself was in complete denial until the very moment I just exploded. Then no-one was more surprised than I was. My fear of anger had made me bury my own anger so deeply, that I was working on myself for almost 5 years before the great explosion.

I believe it is very important for people to learn assertiveness. With assertiveness we can deal with a problem on the spot and not walk away from a situation feeling as if we haven’t been heard, or we were treated unjustly – which can lead to feelings of anger later on. I feel that assertiveness can be wonderful for dealing with current situations. However, it can’t deal with the past. And no matter how assertive we are, if we are still holding onto OLD anger it will keep trying to raise its ugly head and come out. So along with being assertive, we really do need to release and deal with the anger we may be holding onto from our past.

Some people, in anger releasing sessions, find it very difficult at first; they are afraid to express their anger and can feel that if they start to let it out they will never stop, or they will destroy themselves and others. It is important to remember that anger needs to be let out in a controlled and safe environment. If you feel you have difficulty in releasing your anger you should seek professional advice.

By Daphne Whitehouse

To Read more of Daphnes articles please click on the links

The Inner Child

Compassion

Acceptance of what is, is probably the most difficult thing that anyone has to face in their lives.

The enormous struggle to accept what happened to us in the past is magnified by the struggle to accept ourselves. There will always be parts of our psyche and our physical form that we do not like, do not understand, do not appreciate, do not enjoy, parts that we would rather ignore and suppress and hide from others, and from ourselves. In doing this, we short change everyone who comes into contact with us, leaving them a little less full because of the lack of our complete presence. They depart still wondering what they have missed, since you were less than open about who you really are inside. We wear our fear upon our sleeves rather than our Soul essence. Acceptance is a form of healing. And a very powerful one at that.

We cannot change what events took place in our childhood, or even yesterday, but we can change how we perceive them after the fact. Our perception is all that matters. If we can remove the trauma, the pain and suffering associated with the memory of an event, we can heal that event. We cannot alter the event itself because that has now become part of us. What we can do however, is alter our feelings towards it, our perception of it. This is the healing. When we cannot forgive, we hate, we rage, we loathe, we dislike. This internalised emotion against our perpetrators, those that controlled and manipulated and forced us to do their bidding, does in no way affect them. In fact, they are completely and totally oblivious of how their actions impinged upon our life, our being and our Soul.

They may have ignored us, bullied us, smacked us, beaten us, molested us, raped us. Or they could have done any of the above and more to a member of our family. It is not for them we forgive, it is for ourselves alone so we may continue to move through life unencumbered further by the sadness, grief and sorrow that can, in time, become overwhelming and crushing of our being. If we cannot release ourselves from this damming negativity, it has no other place to go but into the body, into the very cells that are designed to keep us alive and well, healthy and functioning.

If we cannot release, it changes who we are inside. We become bitter, resentful and angry, insular and inward looking and very selfish. Close relationships are propelled towards destruction, friendships are damaged, sometimes beyond repair, and people vacate our company making excuses with previously planned engagements rather than face the draining envelope of our negativity. Our despair and misery, pessimism and gloom flows before us like a billowing cloak sucking in all available positive energy in the vicinity. We become energy vampires continually seeking our next fix looking towards others to provide our sustenance rather than tapping in to the universal source. If we cannot release, different forms of illness may develop.

Headaches, aches and pains in the bones, muscles and joints, mental problems, depression, Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME), chronic Irritable Bowel Syndrome, cancer. If we cannot release, it is then that chronic illness establishes itself with symptoms that inhibit our lives, dramatically limiting our ability to enjoy what life has to offer. There are no easy answers to finding acceptance. Or maybe acceptance of Self is a more appropriate and accurate description.

We are all unique individuals and thus react to these episodes and experiences in a unique way. Those of us that store and hide our emotions in the mental crevices of our mind, looking at them only rarely, if at all, have a more difficult task ahead to search out the solutions we seek to becoming whole once again. These harrowing experiences cause our psyche to split into many pieces and then solicit our subconscious to secrete away the most traumatised parts, locking them away for many years. You see, anger and resentment do not decompose when buried, they merely surface at the most inopportune moments. No matter how deeply these emotions are pushed, no matter how far down they are submerged by us consciously or subconsciously, no matter how hard we try to ignore the beginning eruption of these emotions returning to the surface, to our awareness, they will emerge. They have to.

We can continue to ignore these emotions and these symptoms as the volcano erupts or look at them intently, bravely, and with courage, knowing that the road will be littered with markers and signs along the way whose intention is to divert us from our true path, the path to healing, a path whose destination is the freedom not to feel the pain of holding on. No one said that looking at these difficult emotions is easy.

The cost of non-acceptance is considerable as we stand by and watch as our very Soul and essence wither away, shrivelling up in the exhausting heat of anger and resentment we still hold for our perpetrators and maybe society in general because that is also part of the problem. We have to judge for ourselves which cost we would prefer to pay. An easy life in this moment, putting things off yet again, because this is the easy option but with a life of continual and unresolved torments and fears. Or do we choose to face our fears and experience a few short years of going through the pain and anguish of viewing and releasing the events of our past. In order to make our decision, we must first be willing to change. Change is the only constant in our Universe for without it we cannot grow.

Before we can choose that route however, we must also be willing to seek help from others to assist us in the process of clearing. We cannot do this on our own. For me, I have approached a crossroads in my life. A better description might be a fork in the road as I have realised that I have only two options, two choices laid out before me.

My experience with this illness, with its considerable weight loss (almost 3 stone in 18 months), with its continual churning of the stomach and bowels, has taught me one big lesson. It is no longer in my interest to continue to be what other people want me to be. I need to be me. My cross dressing is. I have to accept that it is. It is there because it has always been part of me, is here now, and will always be part of me in the future. It is there because it is a fundamental part, such a vital part of me, and an essential ingredient of my nature, my psyche, and my personality that it would be impossible to eradicate it. You cannot amputate it like you can a damaged limb. It is not an illness that can be cured. Caren (that feminine ingredient) is part of me. I must accept that she is here now and will be forevermore.

Colin (that masculine ingredient) is also part of me and he is here now and will be forevermore. Being Caren at home and sometimes at church, is no longer enough. Caren is who I am, who represents who I am, who expresses much more of who I am. Caren is the creative part of the partnership and Colin provides the logic. These together are greater than the sum of the parts. That is why, for me, that software design is so easy. I have the best of both worlds. My options then, reside in the quagmire at the fork in the road.

Do I stir the quicksand and watch as I sink deeper falling foul of the wishes and desires of others and shrivelling in the process, my Soul withering like an un-watered plant, the illness staying around for many more months or years, remaining the same or getting worse. Or do I leap across the invisible bridge, having the faith that whatever I do, that bridge will be there to support me and have the courage to become Caren full time. Experience is an essential ingredient of life and of growth.

We are changed because of that experience. Should we choose to ignore our potential and the lessons that are presented to us for our growth, we will become lesser people for that choice, short changing those around us and especially ourselves for we do not learn, do not grow, do not evolve. If we choose to envelope our being in these new experiences, we become better at making wiser choices in the future and becoming less influenced by those people around us who have their own agendas and who have their own needs to shape you into something that they want you to be. This is usually at odds with who you want to be. Of course, I don’t know for sure whether Caren is who I am.

All I know is, at this moment in time, that she expresses me much more fluently and effortlessly. The only way I can be sure, is to be her for an extended period of time. And that means at home, at church, going shopping, at the cinema and at work. Full time. At the time of writing, I am working only half days due the state of my health. That extra half day at home is still not enough to gauge Caren’s future role as it is time spent on my own. To gain the most benefit from the experience, I need to interact with people.

This will obviously mean people who know me as Colin and those people who don’t. Those at the church already accept me no matter the presentation. My mother is less favourable, concerning herself only with what other people will think of her rather than finding ways she can help me. She just ignores it, hoping it will die of its own accord. And for those at work. They have been very helpful as regards part time working but will they be willing to go the extra mile and accept the changes they will have to make.

For some, they see the person, not the clothes. For the others, the adjustment will be difficult as they will have to face a situation that opposes all that they have been brought up to believe. I know, because I live it every day fighting against my own phobias of who I am. It will be an interesting challenge for all concerned. It may be that, that time spent as Caren will resolve most of the issues I have about myself and will enable me to choose the correct path. Of course, I cannot make this decision without spending time experiencing Caren. It is that experience that will change me and help me to break through the shell of the chrysalis to become the butterfly.

By Coran Foddering

Anyone who has lived in a negative relationship like this will know how demoralising, all-consuming and generally detrimental to your wellbeing it can be. On the other hand, a good relationship can enhance an already positive existence immeasurably. So bearing this in mind, here is a brief guide to finding, recognising and maintaining a good relationship.

1. Know and love yourself.
At the end of the healthy break-up article, I stated that ‘the better you know yourself, the more likely you are to find the person who you can truly be happy with’. I really cannot reiterate this enough, as I truly believe that for most of us, this is the one and only condition necessary for meeting ‘Mr/Ms Right’.

When I was married, I can remember looking through my wardrobe to find something to wear and realising that my clothes were in a number of radically different styles. Within this small selection of garments was the punk, the hippy, the businesswoman, the ‘wife’, to name but a few – but which outfit defined the real me? Who on earth was I? The fact was, I had no idea so was desperately trying on different identities in an attempt to find out. Of course, simply changing my external image was never going to lead to a deeper knowledge of my inner self, and it was little wonder that with such a lack of self-awareness, my marriage ultimately foundered.

If you don’t know who you are, then you will not be in touch with your inner guidance, you will not know what brings you real joy and you probably won’t like yourself very much either. Consequently, you will enter a relationship, not because you want to enjoy an intimate friendship and share a lifetime of mutual love and support, but because you are hoping that your chosen partner will fill up the empty shell which exists where your authentic self should be, or will be your escape route from something, be it physical circumstances or psychological/emotional torment. You will end up attracting someone with similar or complementary insecurities and when the initial buzz is over, you will find yourself stuck in a dysfunctional relationship with someone you probably don’t even like all that much, never mind love.

Paradoxically, the best way to guarantee a positive relationship in the future is to spend some time as a single person, getting to know and love yourself. Loving yourself means developing self-respect (treating yourself in a loving way) and self-acceptance (loving yourself, warts and all). Why would you expect anyone else to love you if you don’t think you’re lovable? So take some time out from the relationship merry-go-round and do some personal development work to heal your emotional wounds and break the unhealthy patterns which drag you back into dysfunctional relationships time and time again. It may take some time but the rewards you gain through discovering your authentic self – namely, fulfilment, harmony and serenity – are definitely worth it. (For more on this, check out my other article ‘The greatest gift you will ever give yourself’.).

2. Listen to your inner guidance

As you get to know yourself better, you will become more in tune with your inner guidance or intuition – and as you feel more at ease with yourself, you will be more inclined to listen to this wise inner voice. If you think back to previous negative relationships you may have had, you probably knew quite early on that something was amiss, but your desperate need to be in a relationship overrode your inner wisdom. I once met a man whose opening words were ‘I was never unfaithful to my ex wife or ex girlfriends’. This immediately set alarm bells ringing and I actually went home and wrote in my journal ‘Watch this one – could be a ladies’ man!’ Unfortunately I was feeling particularly vulnerable when I met this man, so ignored my intuition and ended up having a fairly miserable two year relationship with him – which ended when I caught him in the arms of another woman.

As well as helping you to avoid the rotten apples, your inner guidance will also lead you to the good ones too, if you get out of your own (or your ego’s) way and allow yourself to pay heed to it. Karen was invited to a party which she didn’t really want to attend – she was single and knew it would be mostly couples, and it was in a local pub which she didn’t really like. However the voice of her inner guidance seemed determined she should go despite her misgivings, so she arranged a babysitter for her small son and went. That night she met the man who turned out to be her soulmate. Interestingly, it transpired that he had also been reluctant to attend but felt the same inexplicable pull as Karen to turn up anyway.
And of course, it will be the voice of your inner guidance which will let you know, quietly but insistently, that you’ve finally met ‘The One’….

3. Share similar values and interests…

This does not mean that you’re into hot guys and he happens to be hot, or you’re into rich women and she happens to be rich, or any other similar superficial ‘quality’. If such things are still your main criteria for a relationship then you will never be happy and will always be on the lookout for something better – after all, there’s always the possibility that someone hotter or richer is just around the corner. And of course, just because someone is hot or rich, it does not necessarily follow that they are pleasant or compatible in any way with you.

What this actually means is that you have similar values regarding love and life. Does he or she value positive qualities such as compassion and integrity? If you’re looking for a serious commitment with this person, then you also need to be sure they’re on the same page as you in the areas which are most important to you – for example, how and where you want to live, how you feel about marriage and children, your views on work and money, political and spiritual beliefs and so on.

It also helps if you have similar interests – perhaps you both like to go walking at weekends, or share a love of live music. Enjoyable shared experiences are an important bonding tool and create a history of happy memories which can be important when you go through an inevitable rough patch.  A similar sense of humour is also essential to see you through the good times and the bad – couples who laugh together, last together. Ultimately, if you fall in love with someone who is also your best friend, you can’t go far wrong.

4. …but keep some of your life for you.

Remember Penny from the healthy break-up article? Because she had a full life in her own right, with her own friends and a variety of creative interests, her relationship with Paul was not the centre of her universe. Penny chose to be in the relationship because she enjoyed being with Paul, not because she needed to be with him. Subsequently, when he left, though she was very upset, she knew that she would get over it and didn’t feel like her life was over.

There’s nothing attractive about someone who needs to be with you constantly and appears to have no existence beyond their relationship with you. A healthy relationship is interdependent – the supportive and mutually beneficial union of two independent adults – rather than co-dependent – the desperate attachment of two needy, wounded children. Time spent apart from your partner doing your own thing makes you a much more interesting and well-rounded person with so much more to bring to the relationship. It is also healthy in terms of your own personal growth and holistic well-being, giving you the opportunity for relaxation and reflection.

5. Do unto your partner as you would have your partner do unto you.

The cornerstones of a good relationship are respect and consideration. People seem to forget that ‘love’ is a verb and therefore protestations of love are simply not enough. If someone is declaring their love for you, yet they can’t be bothered to ring when they say they will, turn up on time or talk to you in a civil way; or if they ignore you in public while flirting with other people, are unfaithful to you, or prefer to spend all their free time out drinking with their friends rather than be with you, then their actions are speaking much louder than their words.

Mutually loving partners will demonstrate this love consistently through loving behaviour. This doesn’t have to consist of big flamboyant gestures, though these are wonderful for special occasions; simple daily actions which show that you care for someone’s wellbeing as much as your own are sufficient. As well as the basic courtesies like punctuality, faithfulness, civility and so on, these actions could also include things like: running them a bath or giving them a foot rub after a hard day; surprising them with a bar of their favourite chocolate or that CD you heard them mention a few days ago; bringing them a cup of tea in bed in the morning; warming their gloves on the radiator before they go out in the winter; or a quick call or text to say ‘I love you’ during the day. Small things, perhaps, but it is little gestures like these which bring sunshine and joy into your lives and enhance your existence as a couple.

6. Trust me, I’m your soulmate

If respect and consideration are the cornerstones of a healthy relationship, then intrinsic to these cornerstones are the qualities of trust and loyalty. Trust is often talked about as being a key factor in a good relationship and most people tend to think of this as being able to trust that your partner will be faithful to you. However fidelity is just one facet of the kind of trust which is necessary in a good relationship.

Whenever we care about someone, we are giving away some power over our feelings and our wellbeing. It is impossible to love without giving away some of your power (though don’t forget that it’s equally important that you do not give away all your power). When we choose to love someone and share our intimate selves with them we are giving them the power to make us happy and the flipside of that, of course, is that we are also giving them the power to hurt us, or instil anger or fear in us. It is therefore vital that you are able to trust your chosen loved one with your deepest feelings, and trust them not to abuse your love for them. Loyalty to the relationship is also important and again, this does not just mean being monogamous, but that you also see the two of you as a team. You need to be able to trust in your partner to stand by you, to back you up and to not diminish you in front of others.

Of course, trust does not always come easy if it has been severely damaged in the past. Someone who genuinely loves you will understand and respect that and will be happy to work with you to gently build the trust in your relationship. However, if you are the one who is struggling with trust issues, it’s also important to remember that all men/women are NOT the same, and that just because previous lover/s let you down, it does not mean your current partner inevitably will. If you have followed the advice in part one and are listening to your inner guidance, then you will know in your heart of hearts if this is someone you can trust. However if you continue to lack trust for your partner, with no real evidence for your negative beliefs, then perhaps you need to take a step back and do some more emotional healing work on yourself.

7. Communication

This is the one that all relationship experts bang on about, and for good reason. If you can’t communicate with your partner, then what are you actually getting out of the relationship? We’ve all seen those couples in pubs and restaurants who sit there staring into the distance with grim expressions, barely uttering a word to each other. Maybe occasionally one of them will say something, only to get a contemptuous grunt in response. Who in all honesty wants a relationship like that?

As I said earlier, your partner should be your best friend. For instance, when something important happens to you or you hear some significant news, who is the first person you think of to ring? If you are in a good relationship, then it will probably be your partner. Sharing the day-to-day stuff is also important. When you care for someone, then you will quite naturally be interested in their life and will enjoy hearing about their day, sharing amusing anecdotes perhaps or giving them a sounding board to vent any work frustrations. And remember that sense of humour – not all communication needs to be serious and true soulmates love to play, have fun and laugh together.

8. Conflict resolution

Finding a conflict resolution style which suits both of you is crucial to the success of your relationship. If one of you becomes abusive or contemptuous, stonewalls or prefers to blame the other for any problems, then this does not bode well for your relationship in the future. Occasional fights are inevitable in any relationship, but if you learn how to handle them in a mature and just manner, then your intimate connection will reap the rewards.

When Diane and David first got together, David struggled to deal with conflict – his family background meant that he felt threatened by any kind of confrontation, so he would simply say ‘I’m leaving’ and walk away if an issue arose which upset him in any way. He soon realised that this hurt Diane deeply and was counterproductive to their relationship, so he learned to bite the bullet and to stay and discuss any issues between them. In turn, Diane respected the effort David made for the sake of their relationship and ultimately working through this – and other conflicts – brought them closer together.

However, it’s also important to pick your battles. If your partner begins to feel harangued because every move they make seems to be wrong, then your relationship will not last long either. Save up the intense discussions for the issues which you feel could genuinely damage your relationship. For example, if your partner stays up late watching TV once in a while, then it’s not really a big deal. However, if your partner is doing this every night when previously you both went to bed at the same time, then you have every reason to address this and share your concerns with your partner.

And remember, unlike the myth perpetuated by the film ‘Love Story’, love does sometimes mean having to say you’re sorry. If you’ve messed up and you know it, then admit your mistake and apologise. Sometimes an apology is all that’s needed to thaw the cold war between you and allow a more open and healthy discussion of your dilemma to take place.

9. Let’s get physical

The one factor which distinguishes your relationship with your partner from your relationships with everyone else in your life is the physical intimacy you share, so it’s essential that you fancy each other like mad.  As we already discussed, being best friends with your partner is important but if your relationship lacks that vital spark – also known as ‘chemistry’ – then regardless of how well you get on at a personality level, things will fizzle out pretty quickly.

On the other hand, love-making has been trivialised in our over-sexualised society (sex is portrayed as a selfish act – something you do for a quick buzz, like drugs or alcohol) to the point that many people seem to develop their relationships backwards these days. Rather than spending time building a close friendship first with a potential lover, they leap into bed together only to realise – usually as the passion wanes – that they’re not that keen on this person after all.

Love-making with someone you genuinely love is truly amazing and once you’ve experienced this, then the ‘backwards’ approach to relationships will no longer hold any interest for you. Sharing your whole self with your partner, body and soul, is one of the best gifts you can ever give to them – and it’s a gift which will bring you closer and leave both of you feeling special and loved.

And of course, physical affection does not need to be restricted to the sexual. Holding hands as you walk down the street, cuddles and kisses as part of your daily communication, a loving touch and a smile as you pass each other in the hallway – this is all love-making too and helps to keep the intimate bond between you strong.

10. Nobody’s perfect

Even your one true love and soulmate will irritate, frustrate, anger or disappoint you sometimes. No-one – no, not even you, dear reader – is perfect. We all have our quirks, flaws and bad habits, we all have differences of opinion in some areas, and we all have bad days where we just feel plain cranky and ready to pick a fight with anyone for no reason at all. If your partner only gets on your nerves about five percent of the time, then you can rest assured that your relationship is normal and healthy and you don’t have much to worry about.

A couple who really care for each other will also probably do what they can to reduce that five percent. If you know that it irritates your partner when you don’t tidy up after yourself when you’ve made a sandwich, then teach yourself a new habit of clearing everything away when you’re done. Your partner will be delighted that you’ve made this effort for them, you’ll be happy that you’ve made them happy and your relationship will benefit enormously from a small effort and simple action on your part.

If you’ve enjoyed this brief overview of a healthy intimate relationship and would like to explore further any of the issues discussed here – perhaps you feel you need some emotional healing or would like to do some personal development work, or maybe you have a relationship issue you would like to resolve – then please contact me at innersimplicity@empathicguidance.co.uk to arrange a one-to-one session online.

. Many relationships break down because people are focusing on the wrong values and qualities when they initially pair up or have unrealistically high expectations of their partner, whilst having low expectations of what they actually need to put into the relationship themselves.

By Sharon Simpson