It can be very difficult to accept the loss of someone we love. Take parents for example. When one parent dies it can be difficult to accept and come to terms with. However when the second parent dies we can be left feeling like an orphan. No matter how difficult our relationship with our parents, somewhere in our sub-conscious we know that they are there, and that in a way is security for us, for the little child inside us who still wants to be loved and accepted by their parents.  However when our parents are gone we have to face up to the fact that we no longer have them to turn to. Also if we have had a bad relationship with our parents, while they were still alive, we still had some semblance of hope that the relationship could improve at some time. When they are gone we are then faced with the fact that this can never happen. The little child inside of us feels abandoned and rejected.  Cheated of the chance of ever be able to make the relationship work and get the love and acceptance that we have always wanted.

We need to allow ourselves time to grieve. The person who we have lost can have played a large part in our lives over a long period of time. We need time to mourn for them and also to adjust to how our life will be without them. This can all take time and the first year is usually the worst i.e. first birthday, first Easter, first holiday, first Christmas without them.

Elizabeth Kubler Ross says about the different stages we go through when we are grieving. i.e. denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance. Lots of people go through all of these stages but others only go through a few. We are all different and deal with grief in different ways.

We can go through these stages when we are faced with the news that someone we love has only a short time to live. First we go into denial and try and tell ourselves that it can’t be true, they must have made a mistake, that can’t happen to our loved one.

Denial comes into bereavement in a strange way. Because on the one hand we know the person has died and there is no denying of that. Yet on the other hand some part of us goes into denial, such as we say we can’t believe that it has happened. We expect to see that person where we would normally see them. We can even find ourselves looking for them. We go out shopping and find ourselves buying food for them and it is not until we arrive home and while unpacking that it suddenly hits us what we have done. We hear some news or a funny story and we say “Oh I must remember to tell them that when they come home” and it can be some hours later when it suddenly hits us that they won’t be coming home.

When my father died I didn’t want to accept the fact. When I was a child he was away for a lot of the time each year, so I was used to him not being around. On a sub-conscious level I told myself that he was just away and would be back again. On one level I knew he was dead , however another part of me needed to deny the fact to enable me to carry on with my life. 14 years later I had to go through the grieving process. I had just buried the feelings, although I had grieved a certain amount, I just got on with things and didn’t allow myself to grieve fully.

Some people are so distressed at the lost of a loved one that they can’t bring themselves to attend the funeral. I believe attending the funeral is a very important part of the grieving process.It is putting a closure to it by saying goodbye.

I lost several close friends between the ages of 14 and 23 and I didn’t get the opportunity of attending their funerals. It was easier to carry on with life and stop myself from feeling the grief. When I was 40 and started working on myself then I found I needed to grieve for those friends and say goodbye. I did this by allowing myself to feel those buried feelings and I wrote a letter to each of them saying goodbye. Then I disposed of the letters in what I felt was an appropriate way.

 When we are told that someone we love only has a short time to live we can start to bargain with God or whoever we see as the Creator.  Saying if you let them live and get better we will devote ourselves to helping others, or other such agreement.  We can bargain with God that we will do anything He wants us to do if He will just let this person live.

Sometimes during  bereavement we can bargain as well.  Even though we know the person has died, we can bargain with God and say we will do anything He wants us to do if He will just let the person come back to us. That we can just wake up in the morning and find that the person is still alive, it was all just a bad nightmare.

Quite often the bereaved person is angry with the deceased. Why did they leave them? If they had taking better care of themselves and their health, things could have been different. They are angry because this person has gone away and left them. However not everyone  will allow themselves to  express this anger as they feel it is not appropriate.  They think that they should not be angry as this person did not choose to die and so it is a terrible thing to have anger towards them. Then they can end up feeling guilty. Anger can be an important part of the grieving process as mentioned by Elizabeth Kubler Ross.

Feeling guilty plays a large part in bereavement for a lot of people. We can feel guilt about a lot of things to do with how we acted towards the deceased. We can feel that we didn’t look after them enough. We remember all the ‘nasty’ things that we may have said to them. Why didn’t we spend more time with them? Why didn’t we go away on holiday with them when they asked us? Why didn’t we do more for them? Why didn’t we save them?  The feelings of guilt can be one of the hardest things to overcome in bereavement.

The loss of a child I feel is the most difficult loss to come to terms with.. After all, what parent ever thinks that they will outlive their own child.. In such cases the parents can be very angry about the loss of their child.. Why has this happened? Why did God do this? Is there really a God? Lots of people at this stage will really believe that there can’t be a God because if there was He wouldn’t allow this to happen.

Denied anger can cause depression. However depression is a normal part of the bereavement process. We get to the point where we feel that we don’t want to carry on life without this person. We can go down into that deep dark hole. It is an ordeal to get through each day. It is all too much for us and sometime we feel as if we would be better off if we were dead. It is very important to sit with the depression and work through it. It is a really important part of the healing process in bereavement. This stage is so important  as it eventually leads us onto acceptance. Of course for some people they can’t seem to work through depression by themselves and they may need professional or medical help.

We come to a point where we start to accept that our love one has gone and won’t be coming back. We start to come to terms with reality and slowly start to build a new life without them. This can take some people longer than others. We have to do it in our own time.

We can pass through the grieving stage a lot quicker if we allow ourselves to feel the feelings. A lot of people don’t want to accept the fact that someone has gone from their life and will do anything to bury their feelings. This only prolongs the grieving process.

When my mother died, many  years after my father had died and  then when my brother died a few years after my mother  I was at a point in my life where I had worked on myself and I was able to allow myself to feel my emotions and the grieving process passed a lot quicker.

I have found that when we are in a co-dependent relationship with the person who has passed away, it can be a much longer and harder time for the bereaved person to come to terms with the loss.  We had a relationship with this person and we depended on them to fulfil our needs. We emotionally depended on them and now they have left us. We don’t want to let go of them. It is as if we can’t survive without them, we feel anger at them for leaving us and we can’t accept that they have gone. How can life go on without this person. Where are we going to get our needs met now? We can go into a deep depression, into a deep dark hole and can stay there for a very long time. Sometimes people never come out of that hole as this was the only person that they depended on to meet their needs, the only person they trusted and felt at ease with. It feels to them as if their whole life has ended. They can lose the will to live. They don’t want to let go of that person. However as Richard Wilkins says in one of his poems, “grieving is not about dying, it is about not letting go”.

Some people want to talk about their loss and those around them don’t want to talk because they feel they don’t know what to say to the bereaved person and feel awkward in their company. People can avoid the bereaved person for this reason. They see them coming down the road and they quickly cross over the other side.  This can sometimes be a sign they have not dealt with loss in their own lives and they don’t want to stir it up, so they avoid anything that could do that.

Another factor in how well we deal with bereavement can be our beliefs. Do we believe in life after death or do we believe death is the end. It can certainly help when we do believe that death is not the end. It can be like a light at the end of the tunnel, the hope to hang on to, to help get us through the grief.  However some people think that if you believe in life after death that you will not, or should not feel any grief. They say “well you don’t believe that death is the end so why are you grieving”? No matter what our beliefs we still feel the loss of the physical presence of that person and still go through the grieving process.

Bereavement is a subject that to cover all aspects of it would take a whole book or two or three.  If you are having difficulty in dealing with all the different emotions of a bereavement I would suggest you get professional help.

©Daphne Whitehouse 2009

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In today’s society the complete family unit is becoming rare. Parents divorce and re-marry and families separate. Extended families begin to form and quite often pressures can build establishing relationships with people who have been forced together due to circumstances.

‘Do we have to be related to be part of a family unit’?

Many people find their family unit within their groups of friends or with people they share a common interest with, but whether we are related or not the majority of us share our home or work space with at least one other person.

It is natural for humans to disagree and have communication breakdowns.  Making a commitment as a group to participate in regular yoga sessions will enhance the bond between each individual and open the door to healthy, happy and harmonious relationships.  Conscious communication

‘Do not utter words in friendship that can be used in animosity’….yogi bhajan

When we communicate it is important to do our best to communicate from the heart, it takes practice and involves being aware of what you say to others before you actually say it. Try not to speak unnecessarily.  Words can have a profound effect once they have been spoken.  Treat those around you with the respect you wish to be treated with and communication will flourish between you and your family members.

Yogi Bhajan the master of Kundalini yoga created five rules for Harmonious Communication.

You are communicating for a better tomorrow not to spoil today.

Whatever you are going to say is going to live forever and you have to live through it, therefore take care you don’t have to live through the mud of your communication.

One wrong word said can do much more wrong than you can even imagine or even estimate.

Words spoken are a chance for communication – don’t turn them into war.

When you communicate you have to communicate again – don’t make the road rough.

Group practice 1:

These five golden rules are a perfect way to establish a strong bond between a group.   Using open discussion talk about what these words mean to each and every one of you. Consciously listen to what each family member has to say, although answers may vary use this as a learning experience and open your heart, acknowledging and respecting each persons individual view.

The practice of yoga as a family unit is not restricted to a yoga studio or class situation although this is a beneficial place to start.  It is important to set aside weekly time together as a group. In time the benefits of family yoga sessions will become apparent throughout daily life as the group begins to strengthen and grow together.  When difficult situations occur or communication breaks down then the ‘yoga tools’ are available to solve these issue before conflict arises.

Creating a connection

Creating connections with people outside the family can often be easier than connecting with those who are closest to us.  There is no right or wrong in this, but without to much thought we can take our family for granted, presuming they will always be there when we need them.  A strong connection is important and alongside conscious communication comes a good sense of trust and the ability to have fun.  Below is a group practice that can be performed with a minimum of two people.  If you are not in a class situation you may find it beneficial to nominate a family member to guide the practice so that disturbance is kept to the mimimum.

Group practice 2:

Begin by forming a circle.  Place a candle in the centre of the circle to create a peaceful atmosphere.  If a candle isn’t available reduce lighting to a minimum.  Sit with the legs crossed in easy pose and lengthen the spine.  Alternatively sit on the knees resting the buttocks on the heels in rock pose.  If the group involves elderly people you may prefer to use chairs, adjust seating to suit the needs of the group. Sit close enough to the person next to you so that you are able to touch their hands, keep the circle tight.

To begin:

Rest your left palm facing upwards on your left knee and your right palm facing down on your right knee, close your eyes and watch the breath as it moves in and out of the nostrils.  Keep the mouth softly closed and as you inhale expand the abdomen and the ribcage outwards, the diaphragm moves down gently massaging the abdominal organs.  As you exhale the abdomen contracts and the diaphragm moves up massaging the heart.  Continue for two minutes keeping your awareness on the breath.

After two minutes connect palms with the person next to you, right palm facing down left palm facing up.  Keep the intimate connection within the group.  Continue to focus on the breath.

Inhale: visualise the breath moving in through the right hand up the arm and across the chest.

Exhale: visualise the breath moving down the left arm and out through the left hand.

Let the breath pass around the circle from right to left, being aware of every emotion, sensation and feeling but keeping your focus on the movement of the breath. Continue for five minutes.

After five minutes become aware of one colour, either the first colour that comes into your mind or a colour that is significant to you.

Continue breathing up the right arm and down the left seeing your breath as a beautiful coloured light.

Pass your coloured light around the circle.  If you find it difficult to visualise colour continue focusing on the breath moving up the right arm and down the left arm.  Continue for five minutes.  This practice works intensely on opening the intuitive mind.

Keep your eyes closed and after five minutes release your hands.

Take two minutes to observe the breath and be aware of the feelings inside of your physical body.

Bring the palms of the hands together and rub the palms to create heat, make the movement fast and vigorous.

Stretch the arms out in front at shoulder level and turn the palms inwards towards the centre of the circle.

Take a deep breath in through the nose and as you exhale round the lips and slowly let out the breath. Repeat this sequence 3 times, rubbing the palms, stretching out the arms and hands and projecting the breath.

When you have completed rest your hands on your knees and embrace the stillness inside and outside your body, take a few moments and then lie down in shavasana with the feet pointing in towards the centre of the circle.

Relax and soak up the benefits of this powerful group practice. After relaxation, take time to speak individually about your experiences during this deep meditation.

Spiritual wealth, just like monetary wealth, can be found in many ways. Some ‘get lucky’ in a seemingly random way somewhat like the winning the lottery, whereas others find their riches after years of hard graft,

following the advice and rules set out by those who’ve been successful before them. Finally, there are those who are born with a certain acumen – who throw away all the rules and are guided by their own intuitive

self-assurance.  These people know that material or spiritual abundance is actually within everyone’s grasp.  Unmani Liza Hyde certainly falls into the latter category.

What is more, she is a woman on a mission to facilitate a sustained spiritual confidence-boost for the people who attend her group meetings in ‘Not Knowing.’ These meetings

are for anyone whose internal voice of doubt has been holding them back from putting into daily practice what their heart has known all along.

The beautifully seductive Unmani – who has men and women falling at her feet – is an unpredictable character, at times teasing words and emotions out of shy participants with a

compassionate gaze and soothing smile and other times taking a tough-love approach by bringing overactive egos down a peg or two with a verbal slap-in-the-face.

I certainly got a taste of both aspects of her teaching during a recent weeklong retreat with her in the Turkish village of Faralya, a retreat that attracted people from all

walks of life: from Jessie, the gregarious millionairess plastic surgeon, to a singer from the 90’s boy band Five, or the big, friendly giant, Burt, who works as a care

home nurse in Amsterdam. All come to Unmani’s retreats as pilgrims looking for insights or experiences that will ease their pains.

Some may be seeking an end point after years of searching for liberation or enlightenment and others for space or support to heal a broken heart. Unmani, who is still at a

loss herself about why her meetings are so powerfully transforming, confesses, “I don’t know why people are attracted to my message rather than any other teachers, but I

do know that what they end up getting may be more than they bargained for!” Unmani believes that by searching for a perfect formula for enlightenment one is

likely never to find it – and she should know after spending over a decade on a journey of self-discovery that brought her back to what she’d always known, but overlooked.

“As a child I didn’t see myself as separate from other people or objects and I often had a strong sense that life was a dream,” she said. When trying to fit into the worldview

of separation imposed on her by adults she reacted emotionally: “In my teens I felt enraged about the world – I left home and traveled the globe looking for something to fill the

emptiness inside which was consuming me.”  During this time she built-up an impressive portfolio of self-development tools, therapies and spiritual retreats, which included time

at the notorious OSHO Ashram in Pune.  However, it wasn’t until she was forced to pause her journey that her biggest breakthrough happened.

“I broke my ankle during a therapy session attempting to kill the anger I felt towards my Mother by punching and kicking padded walls and mattresses. The following month spent in bed

staring at the ceiling was almost unbearable – but it allowed me to meditate on what Dolano, a teacher from India had told me about ‘Awakening’.  Suddenly a veil fell away, and I was

resting in a state I can only describe as ‘not-knowing’.”

At the retreat in Turkey, Unmani’s introductory message was simple, “There is nothing to know – and at the same time, you’ve known this all along.” This paradox was the

bottom line she would bring everyone back to during the week ahead. My knee-jerk reaction to such a blasé statement was to wonder how this week would differ from any other esoteric retreat, yet, in

the same way that Lao Tzu said that the Tao described in words is not the real Tao, I was soon to realise that what Unmani was pointing to also could not be described in words.

The uniqueness of her approach lay in the gentle but certain way she held and guided the group – allowing space for each person’s essence to regain a voice that had long been drowned out by their governing minds.

 Each day was molded around two or three powerful group meetings during which Unmani began with a poetic monologue – often pointing out the absurdity of the mind’s attempts to protect itself from painful

experiences – before offering everyone the chance to enter into a dialogue with her about whatever matters surface.  And surface they certainly did: a shiver went down my spine on the very first day when the group’s

most archetypal alpha-male was reduced to tears within minutes of taking the hot seat for the first time. By lunchtime on the second day, the atmosphere was heating up, with anger, resistance and even doubt about

the whole process we were being led through bubbling up to the surface. This boiling pot Unmani was creating boosted my empathy towards others as I felt their emotions rising long before any tears or laughter erupted.

At the same time my desire to get caught up in the minutiae of stories and drama fell away. Within all of this Unmani kept her cool and of paid no heed to any personal dilemmas that could steer attention away from

the bottom line of ‘not knowing’  - until, of course, everyone had well and truly got it. After three days of shining a light on the protective tricks conjured up by the ego it felt like my mind had given up and gone home  –

wherever that is – and I was starting to wonder if the meetings could go on any longer. If there’s nothing to know, nothing to care about and no point whatsoever worrying about anything, then surely we’ve all got the

point of Unmani’s teachings and can just sit in silence?  Yet, whether Unmani planned it or not things were about to take a turn. Wiping the slate clean of ‘mind’ allowed many of the old disguises and tricks to be seen

for what they are when they arise again. When Unmani gently brought us back to the topics of sensuality, love and death, all of a sudden, skeletons that had been sleeping in the deepest darkest depths of the proverbial

closet started to stir and then, one by one, come out on parade. Stories of abuse, neglect and violence were released and shared openly and with compassion.

 The effect of this journey was most clearly seen in a softening of faces and body language, which became more relaxed and exuberant as time went on. Heather, who at the beginning of the week looked like a timid little

girl in a stern grandmother’s body, overcame her fear of going crazy or falling apart and she took off the lid that had been covering her heart for over twenty years.  By the end of the week there was a visible shift from a

state of confusion to confidence about her true self.  Likewise, John, whose life-long obsession with needing to explain and rationalise everything left him with all the charisma of the well-meaning but hopelessly

irksome sitcom character, Mr Brittas. Under Unmani’s ‘nothingness workout’ the façade of an anxst-ridden teenager come military official melted away to reveal a newly-relaxed face that spoke maturity.

Unmani warned me that I’d have a tough job on my hands trying to describe exactly what happens exploring ‘Not-Knowing’. What I do know is that she was correct in saying that we got more than was bargained

for during the retreat.  Those expecting a space for peace in her meetings may end up being put in the spotlight. Those looking for respect or attention from others discover value within themselves. By the end of the

week there was a strong sense of warmth and unity amongst the group – we were graduates from a spiritual boot camp – with hearts fortified from a staple of ‘chicken soup for the soul’ and egos that were trim and

appropriately sized.  Mentally toned but spiritually nourished, we were ready to play hard in the world again.

Here begins her honest account of a terrifying time in her life;

I got out of bed, just another normal morning and did the usual breast test which I have done every morning since I had a lump which turned out to be a cyst and about a year or two after that another lump which I waited for 6 weeks to get an appointment at the hospital. Then on the very morning of the appointment the lump had disappeared over night.  Ever since then I have made it a morning routine of checking my breasts.

This morning I feel a lump that wasn’t there the day before. Maybe it is a swollen gland. I will give it a while to see if it goes down. I feel it there for the next three weeks thinking it may disappear like the previous one. But it doesn’t.  I guess I had better go and see the doctor just in case. She will probably tell me it is just a swollen gland.

I go to the doctor today and she examines me and says “yes I can feel a small lump there. I am surprised you didn’t come to see me before and not wait three weeks.” So I explain about the previous times and she says “So you were hoping it would disappear again like the last one?”  Yes I was. “Well I am going to contact the hospital and you should have an appointment from them in the next two weeks. If you don’t hear from them get in contact with me and I will chase them up.” I thought she would say it was a swollen gland. Still I expect she has to play on the safe side.

It is a week since I saw the doctor. I have received a letter with an appointment for a mammogram and one to see a specialist afterwards. Oh, I suppose the one for the specialist is just in case it is some sort of lump and not a swollen gland.

I arrive at the hospital and have the mammogram not giving it too much thought. After all it is probably just a swollen gland and I won’t have to keep the appointment with the specialist. I wait outside after the mammogram for the results. Then I am called and they say they want to do an ultra sound. Oh, okay I had an ultrasound before and it turned out to be a cyst. They just put a needle in and drew off the fluid and hey presto the lump was gone. It is probably the same this time. Yeah, sure it is.

I heard them say, “We need to do an ultrasound as the mammogram wasn’t very clear.” Okay, fine. When I had a mammogram done before they just ran the machine over my breast.  Now the doctor is starting to bring in below the breast, down the side of my arm, down around my back. Bloody hell what is going on? Do they think this is a cancer and that it is a secondary cancer and they are looking for where it is coming from?  No, I am just being silly it is nothing.  “ Well it seems as if the mammogram didn’t pick it up but the ultrasound is definitely picking up a lump, we will need to do a biopsy.”  Oh shit, still it doesn’t have to be anything. Although all along deep down I have felt that this lump felt different from the other two.  The doctor says “I have to warn you that there is a slight chance whether we go in from the bottom or the top, of puncturing the lung. It has never happened yet but I do have to warn you that there is that slight chance. So if you feel your breathing change and getting worse let us know straight away.” Bloody hell, that sounds great. Thanks a lot.  I ask if as they have to wait for the results of the biopsy does that mean I don’t have to keep the appointment with the specialist?  “Oh no, you still need to keep that appointment as he will explain what we have found so far.  You must keep the wound covered for 48 hours and wear a good supporting bra for the next 48 hours non- stop.”   Okay, it is probably just some sort of a lump but nothing else. Surely it can’t be anything serious.

I am now in with the specialist. “Well looking through the papers we are a little confused. We discussed your case over lunch today.”  Oh that’s nice, what the hell does that mean, discussed it over lunch?  “Nothing showed up on the mammogram but they put a warning on it. We have decided that in our opinion it is cancer. However the biopsy has the final word.  I am sorry it is bad news.  However the good news is that we have caught it early.”  My husband asks the specialist, (I think as a way of trying not to believe what he had just heard) “are you sure it isn’t a cyst”?

“Yes we are certain it isn’t a cyst, a cyst would have shown up on the ultrasound. Any members of your family had cancer?”

“Yes, my father died of cancer, my mother had breast cancer and died of cancer and my brother died of cancer”.

Fuck cancer.  If he is saying that it is cancer, he wouldn’t say that and put me through that without being pretty sure of his facts.  I can’t fucking believe this. All the work that I do and have done on myself. How the fuck can I end up with cancer? Shit. Hold on, hold on, he said that the final word rests with the biopsy.  Ok so it doesn’t mean it is cancer for sure until they get the results of the biopsy. But would he really say the word cancer to me unless he was pretty sure. I don’t think so.

Jesus I have to wait a week now to have the final result.  Do I tell my in-laws? No I won’t say anything  – my mother in law has had two strokes and it wouldn’t do her any good. I say to my husband “I don’t think I had better say anything to your mum and dad until we get the results of the biopsy” he agrees. Then later he says “I think they would be annoyed if we didn’t tell them”.  Shit, how do you tell someone that you have just been told you may have breast cancer?  Whatever way I tell them it is going to be a shock. I am still in shock myself. I just can’t believe it.

What about my daughter? God do I tell her she is so far away living in Korea? I don’t know what to do for the best.  After thinking about it for awhile I have decided not to tell her at least not until I know the results of the biopsy.  No need to worry her when I may be given the all clear. Yeah, I will wait until then and then I don’t have to say anything.

We call in to see my in laws to tell them. God how do you start to tell someone that you have cancer?  Mum keeps flapping around doing things and my husband says to her, “when are you going to sit down?   Daphne has something serious to speak to you about”.

“I have been to the hospital today and they said that they think I have breast cancer but the final word rests with the biopsy which I have to wait for the results”. They are shocked.  Then they start saying “you will be alright, you caught it early etc”.

None of my friends can believe it. They all say they are sure it will be alright and expect I will get the all clear. Anyway just because it is cancer it doesn’t mean that it is malignant.

The hospital phoned me this morning with an appointment to go and get the results of the biopsy.  I don’t think it can be good news, I don’t think hospitals usually phone you with an appointment. They usually put it in the post to you. Maybe I am wrong as I  haven’t had much contact with hospitals for quite a while.  Maybe this is the norm nowadays, I don’t know. Anyway I have got an appointment to get the results.  It is that word cancer it swirls around in my head. I try to stay positive and hope that I will get the all clear. I am feeling so cold, like ice running through my veins. I think I will have a bath to warm me up. Oh hell I can’t, I can’t take the bra off, have to wear it non- stop for 48 hours. So I decided to fill a hot water bottle and go to bed and try to warm myself up.

My friend who is a homeopath is sending me a remedy to help me and to help remove the shock from my system. My sister phones and says she is ordering me some Essiac tea. So those are on the way to help me. Also several friends have asked if they can send me absent healing. Anyway everyone is being very good to me and I am being sent lots of healing from everywhere.  I have even sent lotus petals from a powerful ceremony in an ashram in India from one of my soul group.

I am being offered lots of support, love and healing from everyone. It is really very touching.

Now my family are trying to do everything for me.  For Gods’ sake I haven’t become useless over night. I am just as capable of doing things as I was before this happened.  For Gods’ sake would they just let me get on and do things? Ok when I come out of hospital then I will need help but not now, it just annoys me now.  I feel worse when they do that.  Yeah, I know they are just trying to help and they probably feel useless as there is nothing they can do to take it away. They care for me and they just want to fix it. However they can’t and doing everything for me just isn’t helping my emotions.

I try and keep my mind busy during the day. Sometimes it hits me, shit breast cancer. What do I think?  It must be or they wouldn’t have said that, they wouldn’t say it and worry me without being pretty sure. Yeah but they have to wait for the result of the biopsy. Had a few tears. What if I don’t make it?  What if it is cancer and it has spread?  Now stop thinking like that, I know all this body mind stuff, I teach it all the time, so I know what to do. A few of my friends say Louise Hay cured herself of cancer so you can do it. Yeah I know, of course I can.  Strange that I should have met her last September!

What have I missed in the work I have done on myself to create this?  I look it up in Louise’s book. Cancer is resentment but breast cancer is about nurturing. Nurturing others more than yourself. I have changed a hell of a lot over the years but obviously I need to do more work and change more. This has happened for a reason and there is a bigger picture to it all that I can’t see yet. I have over the years done the releasing anger and resentment, there could obviously be more there than I haven’t hit upon yet.

Today is the day and I am hoping for the best to get the all clear. “ Your results of the biopsy are back and did the specialist explain to you last week what he thought of it?”

“Yes: I reply. “What did he tell you? “

“That he thought it was cancer”.

“ Well  yes,  as we thought that is the result of the biopsy.”

“So what are you saying?  It is cancer?”

“Yes” we are sorry.

“Fuck, fuck, I wasn’t expecting this.  One part was and another part wasn’t. I wanted to believe I would get the all clear. So what happens now”?

“Well I will make an appointment for you to come in to have an operation to remove the lump. We can’t say if it has spread until we operate. However at the same time we will remove a few lymph nodes from under your arm to test to see if it has spread. If  they are not affected great, if they are then we will have you back in straight away and remove all the lymph nodes as a precaution so it doesn’t go any further.  Either way you will probably need a course of radiotherapy on the breast just to make sure that all the affected cells are killed. If we find it has spread you will probably need chemo.”

Oh that fucking word, chemo. I hate the fucking thing. It ruins the organs in your body. No fucking way am I having chemo. I know that is just my opinion of chemo, my family think differently about it.  I would rather take my chances. Then he made the appointment for me to go in for the operation on April 6^th.  Then I was sent to see the cancer nurse who talked me through the whole thing again. She gave me her mobile number in case I wanted to talk to her at any time and had any questions that came up later.

All the possible scenarios keep going through my head.  What if, what if and what if.  The good news is they have caught it early, yeah but what if they haven’t? What if I was right when they did the ultrasound and they think this is a secondary cancer and they were searching for where it originated? What do I tell my daughter, should I tell her? Hell she is so far away I don’t want her to be worried.

My God such a feeling of fear came over me today. Not of the cancer but what if I don’t survive the operation. I can’t believe I am feeling such fear about coming through the operation. Why am I feeling this fear?  I have never had any fear about operations before. Mind you, I will be 61 this year and I have only ever had 2 operations. I have only been in hospital three times. Once when I was 12 when I nearly died and I was in there for a month or two. Then to have a cyst removed from above my eye when I was 13. The other time was when my daughter was born.  Why am I feeling this terrible fear?

My family and friends are all being very kind and supportive and have been right from the start of this. However today it just got to me. I know they are just trying to put my mind at rest, but this constant saying “you will be alright, you will be alright”. It is just getting on my fucking nerves now. I told my husband that I don’t want to talk about it anymore today.  How the fuck can people say I will be alright, they don’t know, they don’t have any guarantees.  They haven’t got a fucking clue. So would they just shut up.

I have decided to do a Byron Katie on it  (for those who don’t know who Byron Katie is I suggest you google her and find out about her) and I am just looking at the facts. The facts are that I have breast cancer, they are going to operate and can’t say exactly what is what until they operate. It might have spread, it might not. When the operation is over they can say what treatment I will need. So there are the facts.  Why build a story around it all? Building a story around it all just causes stress and tension and fear.  So I am just going to go with the facts. That’s it.

I still don’t know what to do about my daughter. Should I tell her or not?  I will think about it over the next few days and decide. I think she would probably want to know and yet because she is so far away I don’t want to upset her.  Well I am off to Liverpool to stay with a friend and do the Moonstone Festival and run an Inner Child Workshop so I will think about it then.

This fear of not coming through the operation keeps coming back and taking me over from time to time.  God, I know it is only a million in one chance that I would died during the operation but if that happened my daughter would never forgive everyone for not telling her.  That wouldn’t be fair on her I will have to tell her, though I dread having to tell her. She has a right to know.

Had a lovely time up in Liverpool with my friend and she gave me a lovely long treatment.  It was nice to just get away for a few days and almost completely forget about it all. Now I am back I have to decide when and how to tell my daughter. I decide to send her a message asking her to arrange a time that we can talk. When I told her she went into shock which was only natural. I felt so bad having to tell her this news. I try to reassure her and tell her that they said they had caught it early.  The poor girl is in a state. Later she sends me an e-mail asking me to send her all the details and exactly what they had said.

Get a message back from her today saying she felt a little better about it all after reading my e-mail. Thank God for that. I just want to put my arms around her to comfort her. She is so far away from home.  Now I have become aware that the fear I had about not coming through the operation has disappeared since I told her. I realise now it was all about letting her know just in case I didn’t pull through. It wasn’t about me pulling through the operation at all but how it would affect her if she hadn’t been told.

My husband has good days and bad days but today I just told him I am sorry but I just can’t console him. I am using all my strength to deal with my own emotions at the moment. I haven’t got the strength to support anyone else just now. He said he understood and didn’t expect it from me. He wanted to support me as best he could.  I know he is having a hard time coming to terms with it as well. I know how I felt when I heard the news about my  father, my mother, my brother and various friends.

People keep saying “stay positive, stay positive”. The one thing I have learnt over the years is that we need to work through our negative emotions before we can move on to be and stay positive. This was really put across to me when the film The Secret came out. There were people seeing this film for the first time and it was a completely new concept to them and they actually thought from watching the film that no matter what happened to them they had to stay positive. I had people coming to me who were suddenly suffering from depression and others having panic attacks. This was all because they were suppressing their negative emotions and trying to stay positive.  Bloody hell, how can someone be positive when they have just been told that they have cancer?

Today I went for my pre- op. More forms to fill in and then wait to see someone. Called in and had history taken. Had blood pressure on right arm and then on left arm.  Then had pressure in ear taken. Then blow into a container to test my lung capacity. Weighed, height taken, and then for MRSA a swab first in my mouth, then up my nose and then in the groin. Bloody hell, I didn’t think that would be done. Shows how little I know about hospitals these days.  Then was asked if I snored. “Yes” I reply honestly.

“How bad?”

“Very bad” I answer even more honestly.

“How bad is very bad?”

“Well let me put it this way, when I sleep with friends they get up and go into another room”.

“Oh that isn’t very nice”.

I think to myself, “yeah it is alright for you to say that but you haven’t slept with me!”

Then back to the waiting room until I get called and have a blood test done and an ECG. More waiting until I see the doctor. History taking again and lots of questions etc then checked over and finally listened to my chest while I breathe deeply. Then I can go home, yeah.

A friend phoned me while I was still in bed having a lay in. My voice was quite hoarse and she thought it was my husband who had answered.

I joke, “now it is a breast operation I am going in for not a bloody sex change”. Today hasn’t been so bad emotionally.

Spoke to a friend today who is recovering from cancer and she said that having cancer is a lonely place to be.  She understood that sometimes you just want to tell everyone to sod off and leave you alone. Her words were to ‘shut yourself away on a desert island’. No one really knows what you are feeling.  I realise I was experiencing one side of my emotions when my father, mother, brother and several friends had been told that they had cancer. Now I am on the other side of the emotions and experiencing it from that point. Yes, a big bloody difference.

My emotions have been all over the place today. Started off the day well and then saw a programme on television about cancer. One man was talking about his wife who had breast cancer and she was giving the all clear and then two years later she died. It had been in her spine and they didn’t know about it. That really set me off and I had a good cry on and off for the rest of the day.  So much for me thinking I had come to a place of acceptance. That’s a laugh. Calling this journal my dance with breast cancer sounds about right. I didn’t want to call it my fight with breast cancer as there is enough fighting going on in the world without me adding to it. Dance is about right thought, some days it is a waltz, others a fox trot, others a quick step and then other days the tango. More like a bloody tangle of emotions.

Received a package from a friend today with some of her home made chocolate truffles.  Ahhhh they are delicious. Just what I needed some comfort food.

A friend came over to see me today and she gave me healing and some other therapy. Unlike me, I didn’t really drift off during either of them. Although I am not consciously thinking about the situation it is obviously playing on the sub-conscious mind stopping me from relaxing fully. Another friend called in and offered to take me tomorrow to see Steven Turoff the psychic surgeon. One part of me would like to go and the other part of me just feels so exhausted I can’t be bothered. So I have decided not to go. Whether it is the right decision or not I don’t know but it feels like the right decision at this moment in time. Received a package today from another friend with some remedies and some Cd’s with music that I like, a crystal and a nice card with one of her special affirmations. That was nice. Friends are being so nice sending me cards, crystals, cd’s and remedies.

The day for the op is getting closer. In one way I feel that is good as it is the next step. Then another part of me thinks “Oh God I then have to wait for the results from the tests on the lymph nodes.  What if they are infected and the cancer has spread?”

I arrive for the operation on Tuesday morning at 7.00a.m.  Mr Frecker the surgeon came to see me with some students. He explained to them that I had found the lump and that this was a case where the mammogram had not picked up the lump but that there was something there and so they did an ultrasound.  They said they wanted me down in theatre by 9.45am.  So when I got down there I thought “well this is it”. However they got me on a very narrow bed underneath a very large camera and took pictures of my breast from above and then with my arm outstretched from the side after injecting in a dye which seemingly highlights the area where the cancer is.  It took about 20 minutes. I had a quick glance at the screen which was over at the side and I saw two blue blobs. I thought maybe one is the nipple and the other one the cancer.  I thought I was then going for the op but they sent me back to the ward and I had to wait for another hour.

Went down to the theatre and they said they were putting the needle in the front of my hand that it would hurt a little.  I thought this is a real letting go. I am having to completely trust these people who are complete strangers to me with my life. I thought what it must feel like for people who are giving the lethal injection. Well the needle did hurt a little but the vein wouldn’t take it, so then they said they would have to put it in my arm and that would hurt even more. It did and then that didn’t take either. So they tried another place in my arm and then I think they tried another and finally they found a vein that was suitable. “You will feel a sensation in your arm and then a nasty taste at the back of your throat and then you will drift off into a nice sleep.”

The next thing I knew was hearing a voice saying “Daphne the operation is over.” I gradually came back into the recovery room and then a nurse came down for me. She said “I must apologise to you as I came down earlier to get you and I really frightened you, you really jumped.” I certainly didn’t remember it.

Bloody hell my arm is painful.  Oh shit, it is so painful to try and position myself in the bed and of course no one can help as they can’t touch the right hand side. The breast doesn’t feel painful it is the arm where they took the lymph nodes from that is causing all the pain.  I have a saline drip in my other arm and a tube for oxygen in my nose. They are taking my blood pressure on a regular basis.  Just been to the loo and my wee is a bright blue. They said that would happen because of the dye they injected into me beforehand and they also injected more dye in while I was having the operation to show up the lymph nodes.

Didn’t sleep very well as had to sit up and whenever I got out of bed to go to the toilet it was really painful trying to get settled in bed again.  I had taken the pain killers at tea time but I didn’t take the ones they offered me in the evening and maybe I should have done. When the nurse came round with the tablets this morning she said I should take them anyway as I will benefit from them as I will have to do exercises to help prevent frozen shoulder and the exercises may make the pain worse.  So, best to take the painkillers to avoid the pain altogether. Later the nurse came to bathe the wound and dress it. Bloody hell it looks a long scar I didn’t expect it to be that long.

“Surely a small lump doesn’t warrant such a long scar?” I ask her.

The nurse replies “Oh no, that is a thread”

“Oh thank God for that. Looks like I also have a nice blue and yellow breast”.

Had a visit from the physiotherapist who explained to me the exercises I need to do to get my arm going again and to prevent frozen shoulder.  She also gave me a leaflet to read with diagrams of the exercises. Then I was told I could go home later today but I would need to see the breast care nurse before I went. She arranged for me to come back on Monday to have the wound inspected and an appointment made for me to get the results from the lymph nodes. Then it will be decided for definite what treatment I will need.

Nice to be home again although seems strange to me as I feel restricted in movement. Lots of good wishes from family and friends and people all sending healing etc.  My mother in law said she will cook a dinner each evening for me which is very nice of her.  So we went up there tonight and then came back home. I went to bed about 8.00p.m. Just felt very tired.  When I scratch lightly above the wound it echoes like it is hollow. So funny.

I am glad the operation is over. This morning I have different feeling and emotions. It is just hitting me now that I just can’t believe I am going through this. I can’t believe this is happening to me. It is just disbelief really. Funny, thinking about it I would of thought that these feelings would have come about at the beginning more so then now. Obviously this is how it is for me and all the various feelings are probably different for each individual person that goes through this experience. Though when I think about it now is probably the time, as before I was in shock.

Back to the hospital today to have the dressing removed from the wound. That nurse who said that it was just a thread was completely wrong.  It is a scar. Bloody hell I didn’t think it would be that long. It looks like it is going from one side of my breast to the other.  Why did they have to make it so long for a little lump? Or maybe those blue blobs I saw on the screen were both lumps.  Did they find more in there than was thought at first?  Have also being given an appointment for the 21^st to get the results of the lymph nodes. It is all this waiting and not knowing that is frustrating.  Also I find it very frustrating not being able to do a lot and having to rely on others to do things for me.

I woke up this morning with a very strong feeling that alright some women will read this journal and start to check themselves on a regular basis. Then there will be others, especially younger women who may let it go over their head.  Very important that I must take pictures of the breast and the condition it looks in now, as for some women seeing the results will be enough to make them check themselves.  What? Bloody hell I don’t want my boob on show for all and sundry to see. The more I thought about it the more I thought well if it helps one person then it is worth it.  I took a few pictures myself which it was very hard to do with one hand. So when a friend came around today to give me healing I asked her to take some photos for me. It is not the sort of thing I would normally do – expose my boob to the world, however it is in a very good cause and it is a very important cause, so I am doing it.

At the moment looking at my boobs is like looking at a white person standing beside a sunburnt Asian.  Actually a sunburnt Asian who has being in a fight. All the yellow has gone and it has turned a dark brown. I am doing the exercises each day and my arm has got quite a bit more movement in it, although it is still sore. Now I have more movement I can see that where I thought the pain was coming from under the arm where they took the lymph nodes from it isn’t there at all. At the end of the scar across the breast is where the muscle comes down from the arm and it feels like the muscle has been cut.

Well today is the day I get the results. Hell! Two of the doctors are stranded abroad because of the volcano incident so they are running over forty minutes late. It feels like you are just at the finishing line and then find out you have another mile to run. In the end they are over an hour late. Got called in and told that the cancer hasn’t spread. Thank God. However I will have to have radiotherapy and maybe hormone treatment. He also confirmed what I had thought that there were two lumps. Then I was examined and had to have blood drained from the wound. The doctor said that it would be much more comfortable for me once he drained the blood off. Well it certainly is. I didn’t realise that that the pressure was building up and pressing on the end of the scar which is where all the pain was coming from. My arm has so much more movement now. Fantastic.

When we came out my husband said “I am over the moon, that is just fantastic news. I am surprised that you are not excited”.

I reply “you know what,  I am just too tired to feel excited. It is as if all the tension and anxiety building up to this has just hit into my body now and I just feel so exhausted”.

A friend gave me a session of Theta over the telephone this morning and later on in the day another friend called to see me and she gave me some healing. Felt tired later. Essiac Tea, Homopathic remedies, Flower remedies, vibrational remedies, healing, theta, reflexology, one blessing and lots of absent healing apart from my meditation, visualization and affirmations. I don’t feel I can take on any more at the moment. That’s besides up and down the hospital. You get my drift. Don’t get me wrong I do appreciate it all and am grateful for it all. In fact I am having so much healing that at the end of it all I might have a few spare boobs!!!

It was great news yesterday and what a relief to know that it hasn’t spread. However today I have just felt exhausted. Went to bed during the day and slept for a few hours. The hospital phoned with the next appointment in a weeks time to see the oncologist to discuss the treatment I am going to have.

I have noticed since I was told about the cancer that as a passenger in a car I am getting really jumpy.  Just can’t seem to help it.

It is six days now since I was last at the hospital. This morning I phoned the nurse to say my breast has swollen and I think it needs to be drained again. She said to call in and see her tomorrow after seeing the oncologist.

I saw the oncologist’s assistant about the radiotherapy treatment. He said they would start in about two weeks but that was before I told him I had to have the breast drained after seeing him. Said they could give me hormone treatment as well as radiotherapy but that goes on for five years and for the extra benefit I would get from it they don’t think it is worth putting me through that. It would only add about another 2% to the chances of it not coming back again.  The radiotherapy will give an 84% chance. The side effects are fatigue, the breast may swell and get very red, the radiation can affect the top part of the lungs so may affect breathing. The breast will probably change in size and will not go back to its normal shape. As my brother would say – would you rather have all that or be dead?  Puts it in perspective doesn’t it. It is so true thought isn’t it? Makes it seem very simple.

Don’t know about him saying that the boob might get bigger or smaller. Looking in the mirror now it is already got smaller. One seems to be heading south while the other appears to be heading north.

So then to the nurse to have my breast drained.

“Well that was the hoped for ending but didn’t turn out that way”

“Hell” the nurse took one look at it and said “I will have to call the man himself”  – meaning Mr Frecker the surgeon.

So he came in and said “you have had a haemorrhage in the breast. I will have to cut it open and get all the blood out”.

Seemingly  if it happens it is just shortly after surgery but this is a delayed one. So as it was unusual he called for certain people to come and look and watch as to what he was doing. One of the nurses said to me, “you must have been in a lot of pain?”

I said “no,  I didn’t have any pain just a little soreness”.

She kept saying she could not understand why I didn’t have any pain.

He took the scalpel and said “now watch this, if you are opening a fresh wound this is the way to do it so it doesn’t hurt the patient. “That didn’t hurt did it? “

“No”.  After a while though as he cut more I did start to feel it. It wasn’t too bad thought as it just felt like if you cut yourself with a razor blade.   Not that I go around cutting myself with razor blades but I have done it a few times by accident. Then the blood poured out and as I was lying down it ran down my neck and back. They got me to sit up and cleaned me up and had to do it four times before it was completely finished. Once all the blood was out they then squirted saline into it to wash it out a couple of times. So have to phone the nurse this morning and according to what she thinks as I describe it to her I will have to go back to the hospital either today or tomorrow. What a drag.

The nurse said to go up to the hospital to see her this morning which I did. She said it was draining nicely and changed the dressing and gave me some dressings for me to do it myself each day until I go back to see her next Wednesday morning.

A lot of blood seemed to come out of the wound during the night. Maybe I am lying on it during the night and squeezing it. I think it might be best if I try going to sleep sitting up in bed again like I did when I came home after the operation.

Have tried sleeping sitting up now for a few nights but it is still bleeding a lot and I am not getting a very good sleep at night. Never mind, I am going back to the hospital tomorrow so will see what the nurse has to say. The wound looks like part of the inside is coming out at the moment.

Saw the nurse this morning and she said she needed to use a caustic stick to put on the wound so it will stop it from protruding. Otherwise it will heal like that and will look peculiar. I told her about sleeping sitting up and she said it didn’t matter if I rolled on it during the night. If I squashed it, it would be alright as it would probably help it to clear out quicker. She changed the dressing for me and gave me more dressings to take home so I can do it myself each day. Have to go back to see her on Monday morning.  It feels like it is becoming my second home. I wonder should I ask if they do bed and breakfast!!!!!! I can drive again horray! It feels like I have got my freedom back.

I keep asking why did this happen to me? This morning I woke up and it all seemed very clear to me. All these years I have been looking after the mind and spirit and apart from doing the emotional work on the body, I have been ignoring the body. What I mean by that is I have still being eating juke food from time to time. Pushed my body and not given it enough rest.  There have been times when I have had too much alcohol.  If the mind, body and spirit are not in balance then something is bound to give sooner or later and breast cancer is my sooner or later. So now I am being put in a position to learn all of this and have no option but to rest and learn to know when I feel tired and to do something about it; to take care of the body as well.

I laughed this morning at how the Universe tests us. The last two articles I  have written for More to Life were about control and fear. It is as if the universe has now said, “right let us test you on how good you are at putting these into practice”. My getting jumpy as a passenger in a car has made me realise that it was a unconscious response to having no control over this situation. I can do certain things but all the medical treatment, when, where and how are all out of my control.  Fear of course was the one that came to the forefront with the words “you have breast cancer”.  Then I have also had to let go of any control to do with my work. I just had to let go and go with the flow as it were.  I feel as if this might be a turning point in my career, some change coming up, but how it will change I don’t know. Will just have to wait and see. Well you never know my new career might be Boob Flasher. I could design a special uniform to wear. I will have to sleep on it!!!!!

Have been up the hospital once a week for the nurse to see how my breast is coming along. The wound is slowly healing but not quite closed up yet. Have received an appointment for Barts for the X-rays and tattoos.

Yeah the scar is just about closed up now, thank God. I have decided to go ahead this weekend and do the 3 day advanced Theta course. I didn’t know if I would be up to it but as I haven’t even started treatment yet and bored of not been able to do a lot. I though it would do me good to

something interesting. It has been arranged for me to stay in the area so I don’t have to travel back and forth each day.

Today I went to Barts and they asked me a lot of questions again. I was asked to hold a big board with my hospital number on it in front of me while they took a photograph of me. I said I felt like a prisoner. I was told it was for their records to they could make sure they had the right patient each time. I suppose as they are doing radiotherapy they have to be very careful. Then I had lines drawn all over my breast and had lots of X-rays taking. Then they asked if I had ever had any tattoos and I said no. So they said that it would only feel like a needle prick. The two tattoos would be very small and would be permanent. I said that my daughter had said that as today was Buddhas’ birthday  could they give me Buddha tattoo? She just smiles -  I didn’t get them – Just two little dots instead. Then I was taking into another room to have CT scans. They said I would hear from them within two to three weeks with the dates to start my treatment which would be 5 days a week for 3 weeks. Yeah I just feel I now have to put my life on hold again for another about 6 weeks. Frustrating. Still I ask myself would I rather put my life on hold for 6 weeks or be dead. I am sure you know what answer I came up with!!!!!!

Have finally got a date to start my radiotherapy. Thank God for that, at least I now can get on and get my life back again.

A few people have said that on a spiritual level I am going through this for all women. I tell them “well the next time I come back to this planet, I am going to make sure to read the small print in the contract”.

I have written this and showing the photographs because I want all women to know how important it is to check themselves regularly. I have gone through what I have gone through and I check myself daily. There are a lot of women who have gone through a lot worse than I have and then there are those who unfortunately have not survived.  I can not believe how many women do not even check themselves. So please please every woman who reads this make sure to check yourself on a regular basis and impress it on all the women you know. Thank you.

Daphne Whitehouse

©Daphne Whitehouse 2010

Do not cry for me my child

Dry those tears

I have not gone from your life because you don’t see me

I am the sunshine that chases the rain away

I am the moon that makes the darkness light

You will still feel my soft touch if you are still

You will still feel my love that will never fade

And if you listen I am in your thoughts and you will hear me

Do not cry for my passing from the earth

Celebrate my life and the life that we shared

The laughter, the tears I dried for you

The memories we shared, happy and sad

We got through them together, and we still will

I am not in any pain

I feel healthy and strong

My mind is clear

My knees no longer ache

I can run!

I can laugh!

Please laugh with me

I was here to learn my lessons from life

And now that time has passed

So I am home and I am happy

And when your time comes

I will be waiting with open arms

Until then you love your life so I can see you smile again

And I will walk beside you every day

Carol-Anne Murphy

carolannemurphy@hotmail.com

Mum looked at me, unshed tears shining in her eyes.

“Promise me. Promise me if that happens to me, you’ll give me a little blue pill, or blow my brains out or something. Anything. Just don’t let that happen to me.”

We were watching a TV drama about a woman who had senile dementia as it was called back in the 1970s. I was in my early twenties, full of plans and dreams. Mum was in her late fifties, a clever, brittle woman who had always got what she wanted in life by sheer hard work and determination. She’d left home in her teens in 1934 to become an aircraft engineer, unheard of at that time. Women stayed at home until they married. She told me once that as she went out the door she heard her Mother call out “If you go, don’t think you can come back”.

But go she did and she succeeded in living her dream, becoming not just an aircraft engineer but learning to fly and jump from planes, though not at the same time! During the war, she worked to get planes battle ready as they limped home from sorties. Later she met and married my Dad, having 3 children and staying at home as per the dictates at that time. Dad built a house in Reading Road. When I was 12 she retrained as a teacher, terrifying another generation of children.

In 1983 my beloved Dad died suddenly and my Mum went, unexpectedly to pieces. Both my brothers, by that time, had moved to other continents so a lot of the burden fell on me. I was married with 2 small children myself and almost resented the restrictions that Mum tried to place on my life. As my marriage fell apart, Mum’s grip on my life became stronger and most of the time I felt like a foolish teenager when I was with her.

This situation continued for years and I despaired that I would ever be allowed to live my own life, to have a weekend where I had just one day on my own with my children; not to do anything in particular, just to be.

Then in 2003 shortly after I’d been medically retired from my job, I was staying with Mum who was recovering from pneumonia. Both my children had left home by now so it was easy for me and my Jack Russell, Smudgie, to pack a case and go. After about 10 days, I thought I’d better try and deal with the pile of post that has come in case there were bills to pay. I started to sort through it, going to the desk where things like cheque books and stamps were kept. As I dropped the lid of the desk down, everything exploded onto the floor. Unpaid bills, unopened letters, empty, used envelopes going back 20 years to Dad’s death. Elastic bands, bits of string, used cartridges for her fountain pen. I stared at the mess in disbelief, this was more than a few weeks worth of neglect. Mum had always been meticulous about bill paying and everything had always been kept neatly filed.

And as I looked at the chaos, other nagging thoughts came into my mind. Like the time I was unable to rouse her and the phone was constantly engaged. I knew she was in , the door was locked from the inside. Eventually after a 2 hour wait in the cold January dark, the police arrived and broke in. Rushing up the stairs they told me to wait. They expected to find a body. Disregarding them, I rushed up the stairs after them to find Mum, starkers, sloshed, sitting up in bed regaling 4 burly policemen with a rather rude ditty.

Once we’d gone to Debenhams and I’d waited at the appointed meeting place for over an hour. Eventually, I found out she’d forgotten me and driven home alone. Of course, she said it was my fault and my mistake.

Mum would ask me to help her spring clean. When I tried to start that, she shouted at me “Do you think I’m so stupid I can’t do my own housework?”

I can’t think how many times I was told never to darken her doorstep. But I kept going back for more.

Once she thrust her phone bill at me muttering darkly about their mistake and how heads would roll. BT had put Mum’s monthly payment up to over £200 a month. But who was she phoning? I talked to BT who sent an itemised bill full of 0900 numbers, all being charged at around £1.50 a minute. Of course Mum denied all knowledge of that.

In early 2005 my sister-in-law visited from the US. I’d warned her and my brother, that all was not going smoothly and that Sue should prepare herself for a shock. But while she was here perhaps she’d help me to persuade Mum that she needed to move into sheltered accommodation at the very least. Looking at the house and Mum through Sue’s eyes helped me to see how bad things were and after her visit we had a family conference (not easy over three different time zones) and I started to look in earnest for somewhere, not sheltered, but somewhere else that would take her.

I found a flat where she could still live independently but in an assisted living complex where there were care staff on site 24 hours a day. By the time we moved her, Mum had degenerated dramatically. On the day of the move, I went round with the removal men and said “Have you remembered you’re moving today?” Because there were strangers present Mum couldn’t say what she wanted to but she glared at me as she went to get dressed. I  packed clothes and kitchen stuff while she was out of the way, taking only what was necessary for immediate use. Then while Phil and the removal men headed off to the new flat, my son arrived and we took Mum to the pub for lunch to spare her the distress of wondering what was happening. From the pub we went straight to the new flat, immediately plying Mum with a big glass of red wine. She would, then and still now, do anything for a glass of wine. After a while Mum sat in her chair enjoying giving instructions to us all waiting on her. Within a week, she had forgotten all about the 40 years at Reading Road.

Mum’s Doctor suggested a trip to the Memory Clinic where her mental state could be assessed. After a trip by taxi (I don’t drive) to the flat, I found Mum sitting in her dressing gown, with her breakfast on her lap. I’d rung several times earlier to remind her and check that she was dressed. Gritting my teeth, I manoeuvred her through a quick wash and dress process, making sure that her clothes were cleaned and pressed. Another taxi took us to the clinic in a local hospital.

The staff were welcoming, taking Mum by the hand and guiding her to a chair, proffering coffee while I filled in the forms and had a private word with Dr. Sri, the consultant.

Mum came into the surgery and Dr Sri started to ask her questions. Mum looked at me helplessly.

“Why doesn’t he speak English?” she asked imperiously.

I groaned. Dr. Sri did speak with a heavy Indian accent. He asked Mum to tell him what day of the week she thought it was.

“Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday what day do you want it to be?”

I groaned again.

Dr. Sri asked “What is the name of the Queen?”

“Well,” said Mum, “ if you or I were to meet her we’d call her Ma’am or Your Royal Highness. And curtsey. We’d have to curtsey.”

“And what season is it?”

Mum looked out of the window at the autumn leaves blowing about, the sky dull and grey. “Spring” she said.

“I’d like you to remember three words and tell me what they are in 5 minutes. The words are ball, chair and table.”

“What, is your memory so bad you can’t remember 3 words? Why should I have to do your job for you. Anyway they should be apple, ball and chair, so they are a, b, c.”

Dr. Sri grimaced at me. “Your Mother is very awkward.”

That I thought was an understatement. And when asked if she could recall the words, of course, Mum denied all knowledge of them.

The human condition is amazing, and you do come to accept the unacceptable when there is no alternative. So Mum passed her time in her new flat gradually having more and more done for her until she was completely dependent on her carers. She had all her meals brought to her, all her housework done and was washed and dressed every morning.

But the decline continued. She was often hospitalised with pneumonia. On one occasion when Phil and I visited she threw her dinner at me and shouted, hoping that I would rot in hell. She asked for a knife so she could cut her throat. She said I was telling people she was mad but she wasn’t and I was. She said that my Dad would be so cross with me. The nurse said she had been very trying that day. Her fellow patients were less restrained in their criticism.

Eventually we get to the present day. Mum is still alive and sort of well. After another bout of pneumonia and an extended stay in hospital, it was recommended that she was moved into a nursing home. So in February this year we made the move. This was another process that had to be gone through, something else to be borne. I duly made appointments to view various nursing homes reeling from their “basic” charges. I went round some homes with the sleeve of my coat very firmly over my face so great was the smell of urine and decay. I met care workers and nurses whose dedication to their charges impressed me, and other workers whose lack of care and the ability to speak even the basic English left me worried.

Eventually a home was found, so once again, I packed up my Mum’s bags and baggage sorting and disposing of stuff that had been gone through once before. There wasn’t so much muddle this time of course, though there were a few surprises that I really didn’t expect. I still haven’t figured out which of my brothers, on one of their infrequent visits, thought that Mum needed an electric drill with assorted bits.

But the home I chose is bright and busy. It’s dog friendly. The staff are caring and compassionate. Mum is well cared for and settled. And best of all, no smell of wee! So there she sits, day in, day out, in her adult nappy and her “easy care” clothes where once she would have thought Jaeger was a come down. She still recognises me. And really apart from occasional visits from my immediate family, I am the only person she sees.

So what of my journey through all of this? I like to wax lyrical about karma and spiritual path but I can’t figure out how this once vital young woman has become the shell that she is now. I know we all age, I know we all die. But this is a living death. Where is the quality of life that we speak of? What about dignity? We wouldn’t keep a dog alive with this condition but it’s ok for the superior species that is man.

I could tell you about the past lives that I have had with Mum where she has left me to die in appalling conditions. About mediums that tell me she is waiting for me to go with her as she has promised not to leave me this time.

I could tell you that night after night I speak to my Dad, to Mum’s Dad and Mum and beg them to help Mum to pass to end her suffering. This was her worst nightmare. And now she’s living it. There’s a lesson in there somewhere.

So most days I go over to visit Mum. I still don’t drive, it’s too far to walk and not on a bus route. I sit with her as she sleeps. She’s more peaceful these days and can’t move without help. Sometimes she says “Oh Mandy, there you are” as if she’s been looking for me. Other days she asks if I know where her Mummy is. I don’t always stay long. But I go, not from guilt, from hope that it might be today I find her again; I might just see that spark again. I do these things for her she’s my Mum and as difficult as she’s been I still love her.

But the truth is that I no longer know who this impostor is.

Mandy Burton

www.lifescripts.co.uk

Stress and anxiety let you know you are not in balance. Addressing their message lets you harness their power, enriching your life in ways that put you back in control.

Left unchecked, stress compounds upon itself and ignoring it can result in physical symptoms from a headache to a heart attack. By taking the steps to understand the messages of your stress, you can learn how to make them work for you.

1) The Reason for Stress

Stress is based on the Flight or Fight impulse. This inbuilt response increases adrenalin, sharpens the senses and provides energy and alertness to escape threatening situations. Its purpose is to promote your survival.

Originally this impulse helped people escape from the threat of wild animals. As societies evolved, the threats changed. Modern day “threats” are more psychological than physical. They include things such as divorce, overcrowded trains and financial worries.

So what you have is an inbuilt impulse designed to protect you, but it only offers two ways to respond; Flight or Fight. With modern day threats, you can rarely do either, so the pressure you feel is effectively a build up of adrenalin and energy that is unreleased because there is no suitable inbuilt response to your situation.

Exercise or meditation can help but the effects can be temporary if they do not address the “threat” that led to this response in the first place. Continuing to ignore this threat leads to psychological denial and this can lead to problems such as road rage, high blood pressure and over-eating.

2) The Language of your Body

Panic attacks, acne, insomnia are some more ways stress appears in your body. They are signs that there has been a build-up of unreleased pressure over a period of time. Training yourself to notice fluctuations in your body’s messaging system helps you to catch stress before it impacts your body. Consciously make the effort to recognise when your body is calm and when it is stressed. Focus on your body and notice how it feels at various points throughout the day. Notice your head, your stomach, areas of tension, your breathing. Aim to become familiar with the changing state of your body in different situations. With practice, you can tell just when changes occur and the thoughts that caused them.

3) Recognize the Alert

Stress represents imbalance. Not all imbalances are bad and fluctuations are vital. You need some stress playing rugby or when rushing to catch a train. But if you feel out of control or frozen as your debt grows, then your stress levels are negatively imbalanced.

Establish if the imbalance you are feeling is appropriate to your situation. An easy way to do this is to observe your behaviour.

If you have clear focus and your actions are in harmony with your goal then your stress is working with you. The adrenalin being produced is finding a suitable outlet.

If you are irritable, angry or teary, if your thoughts are confused or spiralling into pessimism, if you are taking things out on someone else, then your stress is asking you to understand the nature of the threat.

4) Identify the Threat

Mark is a good salesman but suffers greatly from stress in his job. He used to dismiss this “work pressure” but now, he pays attention to the stress signals arriving in his body. He discovers this occurs when something reminds him about the monthly performance review.

He realizes he is living with a fear of losing his job. This fear gives him the drive to excel at his job, but it also makes him miserable.

Sometimes you will find the hidden message quite easily. Sometimes this step is the hardest because the conflict caused by the Flight/Fight response can be immobilising.

5) Implement an Appropriate Response

To neutralize his stress, Mark must neutralize his fear of losing his job. Logic may help. He may realise his savings will support him or he may decide to learn new skills to increase demand for his services. He will know logic has worked when he can think about his threat without experiencing a stress response.

When logic does not help, an emotional blindspot could be present.

Mark may have an underlying belief that he MUST provide for his family or be labelled a “loser”. Such a belief contains a level of stress that is integrated into his identity and lies just outside conscious awareness. It prevents Mark from seeing his options. Even worse, this belief spreads its hidden stress to other areas in his life; showing up in his relationship with his wife for example.

As blindspots are so integrated into identity, it can be difficult to have enough detachment to isolate and identify them on your own. Additionally, if you suspect that your blindspot is due to a sensitive or traumatic incident in your past, be cautious if dealing with this alone. The emotional release may contain layers that could overwhelm you. For these reasons, it can be prudent to find a therapist to help you.

Once the blindspot is identified, one of the most effective ways of neutralising it is through EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques). EFT realigns the disruption stress creates in your body. It works on similar principles to acupuncture but there are no needles. Essentially, it involves gently tapping a few meridian points on your body while you are emotionally tuned in to the problem.

If this sounds too easy, it’s because this is a method of re-balance built in to your body the same way as your Flight/Fight threat response system.

Stress is the emotional messenger of your thoughts. By learning to understand the messages within your stress, you can learn to make stress work for you.

By: Rita Luthra Pindoria

Reeta Luthra Pindoria is a Therapist and Peak Performance Coach specialising in lifestyle issues. She uses EFT and NLP as extensively in her work. Her website is at: http://www.paradoxofreality.com

Here I am typing, and here you are reading at exactly the same moment, yet in a totally different time!

Once a story is written and published it enters the realm of “time”, the story is ever happening, yet it is not, for it is a closed book! To enable the story to enter the world of awareness it needs a reader. But while the book is closed the story is ‘there’, ‘here’…, happening all the time all at once! The story is happening at once before we read it and after we read it, but reading it adds experience to it and with experience comes the dimensions of past, present and future. Yet the closed book is outside-of-time-in-time, within its pages is held past, present and future all in one and its timelessness remain independent of any amount of reading! Or does it?

The phenomenon called ‘Time’ is not a clean, clear-cut event, but a very intriguing concept coming to think of it. To me, the concept of time is a measuring device of movement, among other things anyway. Another name for time is change and it is rather fascinating to think that change remains the only thing that never changes!

What is this endless clinging to form?

Denying the changeless of change?

Embracing Death in unconsciousness?

Let go!!!

Open your heart!!

Empty your mind!

Be free.

Another word for change is experience! Experience implies duality, and duality can easily become hell if not understood. For better understanding of the nature of duality imagine meeting a Martian. It  It will be your duty to explain the experience of taste to this being; you must help him to understand ‘sweetness’. Your verbal explanation will obviously have no effect whatsoever seeing that no-body can taste words!

You will have to give him sugar to eat. But the experience called “sweetness” will evade him regardless of how much sugar he eats, until you give him one drop of bitterness.

The moment he tastes bitterness the whole spectrum of taste enters the domain of his experience!

This implies that our misery is our ecstasy wearing a mask and that the exact same thing that makes us happy today can very well be the cause of our un-happiness tomorrow.

It will truly be a hidden curse if we become happy on a permanent base, it will not be long before your permanent happiness becomes habit and then it loses its spark permanently.

When something becomes habit it changes into an unconscious act. Forgetting that you are happy is synonymous to a life not lived, and a life not lived is worse than death!

It is good to remember that every thorn once was a flower. It will serve you better to work towards a state of “inner silence” rather than happiness. By inner silence I mean inner peace, full acceptance of everything inside and outside of your-self. This acceptance does not apply to the future, seeing that it is rather silly to accept something that has not actually happened! The past cannot be changed; the fact that I have typed these words can never be undone because it happened! Even if the world explodes and everything on it returns to primal energy the fact remains that I have typed it!

So accept yourself, accept your shortcomings and your prejudice of the past. To make peace with the things that we cannot change brings a great relief in the psyche. This relief gives us power of control over our attitude! Right attitude is the Magic Wand that does the rest. With right attitude we can change our emphasis of the past, which will change the emphasis of the present, which is the blueprint of tomorrow. Right attitude gives us sobriety and when we act out of sobriety we act with understanding. We are the creator-gods of the world and right now we are creating the future with our attitude towards our lovely planet as well as our attitude towards our fellow beings. I have heard a saying that the future is held in our children, well that is not true, for the future is held not in our children, but in our attitude towards our children!

This was the birth of AZA, a word of Hebrew origin that means to kindle a little fire. May the intent of this article kindle a little flame in you, and may it become a consuming fire that will ignite the Love of Mystery in every soul! AZA is also an acronym for Arcana Zona Arcana that means the Mystery that encircles the Mystery!

THE DREAMER

Behold the Dreamer for I had a dream;

Of Fairies and Dragons and Mermaids in a stream;

Of Great Stones standing;

And Unicorns landing;

In a land of forgotten beauty;

In a world where people cannot be!

I dream of fallen trees;

Dying forests and polluted seas;

Of the Great broken Stones;

Midst dead Tuathan bones!

But then I wake to find there’s still some;

Who plays the Magical Drum;

While our Earth Mother wipes Her tears;

For an Azan’s love banishes all her fears;

I will break lock and chain;

Experience death and pain;

To restore a dream that’s been;

The best life for the Dreamer!

With love, Eugene Halliday(Original poem by Eugene)

www.azachitau.blogspot.com

The main questions I hear from people I know are;

• Are my loved ones ok?
• Where are my loved ones?
• Are my loved ones still around me?
• What happened when they died?
• Are they still in any pain?
• Were they alone or did someone meet them?

These are all questions we all ask at some point in our lives; even I ask them. They are also questions that we ask to gain comfort from a most painful, confusing and terrifying time. It is through my work with the spiritual realms that I’ve gained insight into these questions. Hopefully it will help many of you to heal from your experiences and help comfort you to know that you can reach your loved ones easily with a few simple guidelines I’ll share with you.

Firstly let’s answer some of the questions most frequently asked about the afterlife.

My loved one recently died, are they ok?

Yes! They are absolutely fine; they are no longer in any pain or suffering. When the passing took place your loved one didn’t feel a thing. They are happy now they don’t have a physical body to weigh them down or cause pain for them. Most importantly, they are being taken care of.

Are my loved ones still around me?

Your loved ones are right with you now!!! In truth they have not gone anywhere. The only change is that they have left their earthly body behind and have truly transformed into their true self. If you still your mind and ask your loved one to give you a sign that they are still around you, you will definitely get a sign. Just be open to what that sign is though. They like to surprise us.

Where are my loved ones?

Your loved ones are in a lovely place called the ‘Spirit World’. It is on the same level as the earth plane, it’s just what you could describe as the Invisible Version. You don’t need to worry about your loved ones – they are being looked after by family, friends and the angels.

Are they still in any pain?

No! Your loved one is free from pain and was so the second their spirit left their body. The spirit world is not about pain or suffering. It’s about happiness and learning, being free and able to enjoy just being you.

What happened when they died?

You must remember and understand that there was no pain at all when your loved one passed over into the spirit world. They were not alone. It would have felt something like drifting off into a deep sleep and then waking up somewhere else, only they would have been aware of everything that was happening. A loved one, a friend, an angel or spiritual guide would have been waiting for them and would have helped them ease into their new life

It is normal for us to worry about our family and friends but we must try not to worry when they pass over because they are okay. We all have understandable worries about the passing of a loved one, but you don’t need to worry. We are constantly surrounded by the angels and we can amplify their presence by simply thinking of them, asking them to draw near to us, and even imagining they are right by our side, as in truth they are. God would never let any of his children pass from one world to the next without family, friends, spirit guides and their celestial guardian assisting them, walking every step of the way with them.

WAYS IN WHICH TO FACILITATE CONTACT WITH YOUR LOVED ONES

The first thing that you can do is visit a medium that is well recommended to see if they can bring you a message from your loved one. You must remember it is not the medium that brings your loved ones, it is you. Don’t be disheartened if the person that does come to say hello to you isn’t the person you wanted as they may very well have an important message for you, and your preferred loved one may be resting, or adjusting to the spirit world.

Make an altar in remembrance of all your loved ones. This can be done with a small table or bookshelf where you place a photo of your loved ones, a vase of their favourite flowers, perhaps they had a favourite book or personal item that you could place here. Also a pure white candle, pillar or tea light to aid purity and communication would also be favourable. Remember it doesn’t have to be all glitz and glamour like in the movies, it’s important it is a true representation of the love that was shared between the both of you.

Write them a letter, just like you would to a friend you haven’t seen for a while. Ask them how they are finding it in their new home (the spirit world), also ask them about anything that is worrying you and always tell them how much you love them. Place this under your pillow before you go to sleep and your loved one may enter your dreams with the answers to your questions. You may need to do this for a few nights as it may take them a while to understand how to do dream visitations.

My favourite one, ask them to give you a sign to show they are with you. Don’t be specific on what you want the sign to be. Let them do it in their own way and surprise you. They will never do anything to frighten you. They loved you when they were on Earth. Nothing will change that. Not even passing to the spirit world.

http://www.auroraangelicascension.webs.com

Written by AURORA BRIERLEY  Angelic Faerie Whisperer’ and Paranormal Writer

When Bank Managers are getting worried and the news tells us that things are tough, how can we help battle this present financial situation?

Like you I could easily be affected by what is happening in the news. However, as with anything and everything in life we all have free will and the right and ability to make choices. I choose NOT to let it rule my life! As a complementary therapist and soul coach for the last 20 years, I have seen the economic state govern the lives and health of many and yet I am now starting to hear a different attitude. This is one of survival not sacrifice, of focusing on what really matters rather than what one can accumulate. We have recently been through some pretty financially reckless times where amassing a portfolio of property was the norm and spending was as virulent as a rash. In my book, ‘The Soul Whisperer’ I reveal how your soul tries to share its wisdom to help you create a truly abundant life of your dreams.

With this in mind to give you a fresh and positive approach, I believe I have found the keys to not only surviving but thriving in this present economic climate.
Here I am keen to share with you the top three of the seven secrets I have discovered for being your own highly abundant Spiritual Bank Manager:

Secret 1: What you ‘think about you bring about’
How many times have you thought about someone and they miraculously call or you bump into them? This is just one very common example of the potential of manifesting what you think about.
So if all we are thinking about is how bad our financial situation is or how little money we have and how many bills are coming through the letter box….then that is all we are going to GET!
I have seen many people lately manifest their dreams….confidently taking on new projects because that is what they have in their heart to do. And they are succeeding!

The most powerful ammunition in these present times is to focus on what you DO want and not on what you don’t.

Yes, the bills will still come in, however because you are focused on more positive, creative and nurturing things they will seem minor because what you focus on you attract and you will be focusing on the ‘good stuff’ so you will be getting more of that instead. Give it a try. Start with something small and incidental that you would like to attract and go from there. It works!

Secret 2: Don’t Give Away Your Power
The fuel which feeds this hungry monster called our economy is the state we let ourselves get into when we worry excessively and get over-stressed. We make ourselves into ‘fodder’ for the firing line of the media. You have a choice. You always have had choices. This is something that is one of your personal gifts of power. You have a choice about whether you are going to let yourself be governed by what you are told and equally how you are going respond.

By buying into the headlines and the scary letters and conversations around you, it is actually adding more power to what is happening. Reclaim your power. You are not a bad person just because you have a few bills to pay. You are not personally to blame for the entire present situation. You can start to make things better instantly. In fact you already are because you are reading this article! Choose to see the bills you may have as opportunities to develop and practice being creative in how you keep your creditors appeased. Choose to be discerning in your purchases by asking yourself ‘what will this add to my life’ the next time you consider a non-essential purchase.

For most of us we spend money at times when we feel we need a boost or in some cases as validation that we are ‘worth’ at least the value of the latest treasure we are about to add to our collection. The reality is that we were all born abundant. We have everything within us to give us an amazing life full of richness, joy and fulfilment. In so many cases though, we have given away our power to invoke these attributes of true wealth every time we are influenced by the media, fashion, trends or peer pressure. Who you are Is Enough! Reconnect with your power by recognising your talents, traits and gifts that are priceless and this will empower you and give you a feeling of control. No one can take these jewels from you unless you let them and it simply does not make sense to let them go to such a faceless villain.

Secret 3: Be Independently Wealthy!
Money can’t buy the two most important things in life – Health and Happiness. No matter what the situation outside yourself, these two invaluable commodities are universally and continually sought by everyone from the poorest of the poor to the incredibly rich. Money has nothing to do with the attainment and sustaining of these two most important aspects of a good life.

If your gym membership has lapsed then commit to spending the same amount of time in easily available activities like going for a nice long walk, no matter what the weather! Do stretching and gentle exercise at home, even better why not join up for one of the many charity fun-runs or similar events that are so popular now. Raising money for a good cause is still gives you a ‘warm glow’ in your heart, getting ready for it – even if you can’t run and intend to walk it, brings great benefits and ultimately most people are able to give even a little to help charities and it makes them feel good too! So it is a win-win situation all round!

When it comes to boosting your happiness levels, first of all spend some time determining what really really makes you happy. Chances are that it will be something that money cannot buy. If it is getting together with friends, family, being in the garden, or being alone in your own private sanctuary of your making, take time to re-acquaint yourself with the richness of the simple things. Make sure you always take a few quiet moments to be totally present in whatever situation brings you this level of happiness and joy. Breathe in the flavour of the time you are experiencing and remember that this is what life is all about!

Employing these three secret keys to becoming your own highly successful spiritual bank manager will start you on your path. Nothing will change unless we collectively change our thinking – you have a choice about what you believe in – choose to believe in yourself!

By Anna-Louise Haigh

Taken with permission from Anna-Louise’s e-book Beating the Credit Crunch – 7 secrets to becoming your own Spiritual Bank Manager!
Visit www.anna-louisehaigh.com or www.beasyoursoul.com for your copy.
Anna-Louise is a Certified Soul and Past Life Coach

We are not born with anger. Anger is an emotion we learn from those around us. We come into this world wanting to be ourselves, however our parents, siblings, teachers, church etc. have their own idea of what we should do and how we should behave. They try to force their beliefs onto us. It is of course done, as far as they are aware, for our own good. However what they fail to realise, is that what is good for them is not necessarily good for us. We are all unique human beings. We all have our own unique abilities and talents. We all, at a deeper level, know what we want to do for our highest good. So, when others try to control us and make us do things the way they think we should do them, and we do what they want, then we are kicking and fighting against our true nature and abilities. We are then in turn suppressing our true selves. This suppression eventually becomes resentment towards those who won’t accept us as we really are. Eventually the resentment turns to anger.

What causes anger?

Non – acceptance
Control
Expectations not being met

I grew up being very frightened of anger – other peoples anger and of course my own. I only saw anger being expressed in destructive ways. I was so frightened of anger that I would do anything to avoid people throwing their anger at me. If I could walk a mile to reach my destination and have to face anger on the way, or walk 100 miles and not face anger, I would opt for the latter every time.

When anyone threw their anger at me, it was as if my brain would freeze with fear. I would find it hard afterwards to remember what had been said. I always denied that I had any anger. I was working on my own self-development for about 5 years before I got in touch with my anger. Even then I was in denial right up until the end. I just woke up one morning and as soon as I put my feet to the ground I just went berserk. I picked up a pair of trainers and nearly throw them through the window. Common sense prevailed however, and instead I beat shit out of the wardrobes with the trainers. My husband and daughter may have thought I had finally flipped but I can assure you no one was more surprised than I. It was very interesting as well, to hear what I was saying. Things such as: “Why does every one keep telling me what to f****** do all the time?”, “Whey can’t they just leave me alone and f****** let me do what I want to do?”, “Why do they keep making me do f****** things I don’t want to do?”

I think it was probably the release of this anger which finely gave me the courage to be able to stand up for myself against others peoples anger, instead of just freezing. The first time I did, I remember my body was shaking and my face went quite pale as well.

Just a few days after this – on Christmas Eve, something happened. My husband was at work and my daughter was out playing with friends. I had put the Christmas tree up but had not put any decorations on it as yet. Then I went out shopping. Upon my return I walked into the front room and to my utter amazement, saw a red feather lying under the Christmas tree. It wasn’t there when I went out, nobody had been in the house and it seemed it had just appeared from nowhere.

Some time later, I happened to be speaking to a medium and asked him about the feather. He said that it was a sign from spirit that they were pleased with me and that I had achieved something. Until this time, I hadn’t connected the feather with my standing up to anger. However, when he explained this to me, it made perfect sense. He said that the Native American Indians had to work to obtain each feather in their head-dress. Later on, over several years, I had other feathers mysteriously appear. The colours I got were pink, blue, green and white. The astounding thing about these feathers was that they were all exactly the same size and shape even thought they came one by one over many years. I was informed that you never saw an Native American Indian head-dress with different shaped feathers in it. I have to agree with that.

So, from being so scared of anger, now the Anger Releasing is my favourite part of the workshops I run. I am so pleased when people start to release anger at these workshops because I know that they will feel much better for it. They will release blocked energy It allows them to move forward in life and they will not have to create an illness to release their anger from their bodies.

Anger can cause us lots of problems. So many of us only saw anger expressed in a destructive way when we were children, if it was ever expressed at all. We were more than likely told to “shut up and stay quiet”, if we tried to express our anger. Maybe those adults around us that didn’t express their anger kept it inside and it came out instead in insults, snide remarks or resentment. After they had suppressed their anger for so long, it was like a pressure cooker; the lid couldn’t be kept on any longer and they suddenly exploded. Their anger was released at some poor person who just happened to be close by. If we hold anger in our bodies and don’t let it out, it will probably come out in some form of illness, and anger turned inwards can also cause cancer and depression.

When we grow up in a family environment where either anger is suppressed, or anger is expressed in a destructive way, we are likely to learn at a very early age not to express our anger. We become frightened and scared of anger, other peoples and then our own. We become frightened to express our own anger because we are afraid we will let it out in a destructive way as well. We probably would, because that’s what we have learnt from those around us.

When we become frightened of anger, it can cause us to suppress other emotions as well. We become so afraid that people will throw their anger at us, that we learn to play safe around these people. We learn what we can say and can’t say that will get an angry reaction or not.

Things can become so ingrained in us. We are carrying on doing them as adults and are not really aware of why we are doing them. When I was a child, my parents were always arguing in the middle of the night. My mother would get up and shout that she was leaving and never coming back. Sometimes she would just go down to the kitchen and make a lot of noise, other times she would actually get the bike out and be leaving. I would lie in bed straining to hear so I would know what she was doing. In my head I would be saying “please, please make it up”. As soon as I would know that she had got the bike out and I heard her pass the bedroom window, I would jump out of bed and run down the avenue after her shouting and screaming at her to please not go. She would always come back with me and say that she would never leave me. However, it would be the same thing all over again the next night or the night after. This was all so ingrained into my sub-conscious mind, that even as an adult, when I would hear people arguing in the street, I would freeze on the spot and would have to listen to see what the outcome would be. I would catch myself saying the same thing in my head, wanting them to make up. Even at night time, if people coming home late from a disco or pub started arguing coming up our street and I woke up and heard them, I would be straining to hear if they would make up or not. And, if my husband started to snore and I couldn’t hear what they were saying, I felt like f****** killing him. It wasn’t until I started working with my inner child, that I realised I was doing all this and where it stemmed from. When I did the healing work with my inner child, I was able to let this go. Now, if I hear people arguing, it doesn’t bother me at all.

Whatever happens in our outer world is a reflection of our inner world. All the time we are holding onto unexpressed anger, we will attract anger to us. We will attract people to us who express anger in a destructive way, or we will find ourselves in an environment where anger is being expressed. Why? – Because they are reflecting the anger inside ourselves. When we start to deal with our anger, we will find these angry people and situations will stop appearing in our live

Many people can be in denial of having any anger. I have done many workshops where people have said they didn’t have any anger. Yet during the anger releasing exercise they either sat crying all the time or they couldn’t stay in the room with other peoples’ anger. Crying during anger releasing; this to me is always a good indication that people are holding onto anger. Under the tears they will find anger. We often learnt as children that it was more acceptable to cry, than it was to show or express our anger.

Not being able to stay in a room while others are letting their anger out is a good indication that people are holding onto anger. The reason they feel so uncomfortable with someone else’s anger, is that it is triggering off the suppressed anger within themselves, and on a sub-conscious level they are really frightened that their anger may start to come out. So they try to get away from the situations as quickly as possible. When I have said this to some people who have had to leave the room, they denied they had any anger and said they had dealt with it in the past. Some of these people have been back to me since, saying they were now getting in touch with their anger. It took some people weeks, others took months and some even a year or two. They have come back and said they were quite surprised that they were now starting to get in touch with their anger. They realised they were holding onto anger but were in denial. Sometimes we can be in denial of being in denial.

I myself was in complete denial until the very moment I just exploded. Then no-one was more surprised than I was. My fear of anger had made me bury my own anger so deeply, that I was working on myself for almost 5 years before the great explosion.

I believe it is very important for people to learn assertiveness. With assertiveness we can deal with a problem on the spot and not walk away from a situation feeling as if we haven’t been heard, or we were treated unjustly – which can lead to feelings of anger later on. I feel that assertiveness can be wonderful for dealing with current situations. However, it can’t deal with the past. And no matter how assertive we are, if we are still holding onto OLD anger it will keep trying to raise its ugly head and come out. So along with being assertive, we really do need to release and deal with the anger we may be holding onto from our past.

Some people, in anger releasing sessions, find it very difficult at first; they are afraid to express their anger and can feel that if they start to let it out they will never stop, or they will destroy themselves and others. It is important to remember that anger needs to be let out in a controlled and safe environment. If you feel you have difficulty in releasing your anger you should seek professional advice.

By Daphne Whitehouse

To Read more of Daphnes articles please click on the links

The Inner Child

Compassion