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Your blood pressure is 190/60, you are overweight and suffering from depression said the doctor. The pains in you chest are probably anxiety and I am not sure why your naturally curly hair is starting to grow straight, maybe you should ask a hairdresser.

‘Are you under any pressure?’ he asked.

‘Nothing I can’t cope with Doctor’. I replied with what seemed like my last breath of energy. I’ll be okay, I don’t think I need those tablets to get me through but I will think about it’.

Back home, I went to the fridge to make sure there was enough booze there for the evening. My partner was depressed and had taken to drinking a bottle of scotch most nights to hide from his depression, he had also been self-harming – he had touched the bone in his arm with his Stanley knife, it had gone so deep. ‘Hope he is a bit brighter tonight’ I thought. I’ll cook him a nice meal and make sure the beds are clean and ready for his kids staying tomorrow night. Another weekend of someone else’s children running wild in my house whilst I was banished to the spare room, a stranger and outsider in my own home. ‘Don’t be selfish’, I told myself. He is ill, it is just a bad patch, help him to get better’.

Me – Help him to get better? How? My inner voice said ‘You have no choice, you have to, he needs you,’ I told myself.

I ran a small but successful publishing company with my sister in a highly competitive, volatile and demanding industry. It provided us with a comfortable and very privileged life style. We were in the middle of a war between competitors and were under intense pressure to fight off an attack from a bigger and more established company. I was fighting like an alley cat to survive and it was taking its toll. We were also in the middle of a tax-investigation which was threatening to cost us many, many thousands of pounds. The sales staff were unnerved and something deep down inside was telling me I was in trouble.

Four months later, the business had gone and the relationship was over.

I was in a serious mess. Mentally, physically and emotionally drained, I took to my bed with a large bag of chocolate and my anti-depressants and there I stayed for the next three months.

I cried a river, put on a couple of stone and slept for days on end. I didn’t want to wake up because I didn’t want to face my reality. Sleep was the only way out for me. I didn’t even question why my sister and her husband had moved in my house, I didn’t leave my bedroom to find out.

My recovery began so slowly, I didn’t realise it was happening to begin with.

I found a counsellor who was also a hypnotherapist who helped me to overcome the anxiety attacks and achieve a calmer state of mind. It took him a while to stop me reliving the past and replaying the last six months in my head. Over and over it I went, looking for the answers. What did I do wrong? Why me? Blah blah. So full of self pity. At the same time I went to see a spiritual healer and he was telling me a similar story to the hypnotherapist, he just used different words. After a few months I started to go to Buddhist classes in Liverpool and found their principles were teaching me the same lessons!

You can’t solve someone else’s problems –they have to do it themselves. There is no-one in the world who can give you happiness – you have to find it yourself, within yourself.

Let go of the past – start living in the moment.

I studied my childhood, regressed back to when I was five, then when I was thirteen when my dad had died suddenly, unexpectedly. Why hadn’t I reacted to it the day he died? Why did I struggle to remember the happy years before he died.

I even regressed to past lives and found that there were strong parallels between this life and lives I had lived in the past.

I looked deeply into past relationships, particularly with my obsession in ‘fixing’ my last partner and my refusal to accept that I was doing all the work and getting very little in return for it but was still holding on for dear life. I was so concerned about his depression, I hadn’t even realised my own! I had also been in an abusive relationship ten years earlier, he had been violent towards me, at times I had feared for my life. Why had I been prepared to accept that type of abuse? What was wrong with me? Why was I attracted to dangerous men, needy men? Why did they all seem to have a strong physical resemblance to my dad? Tall, broad, dark and usually builders. My dad had been a joiner. Oh my god! It all started to make so much sense.

I spent the Summer on the beach or sitting in the park reading self help books or sleeping. I could barely keep my eyes open some days, I was reading so much. I was determined I wouldn’t go back to work until I felt right. Every day I promised I would do something constructive towards making sure I never felt that way again. I discovered what co-dependency meant and that led me to a twelve step programme in Manchester called ‘Women who love too Much’. I was taking giant steps now, life was looking brighter. I went to that group every Sunday for about six months and met some of the bravest and most wonderful women. I realised how lucky I was to be able to address my issues at 43 rather than reach 65 and be full of regrets. I still had so much time to enjoy my life without carrying all that ‘crap’ around with me.

I started to understand that I had been brought to this point in my life for a reason. It was a wake-up call. Time to see what was beyond the world I was living in, the houses, cars, shoes and handbags were not filling the ‘gap’ in my life any more. Neither were the unhealthy and addictive relationships with some friends and partners. Instead of feeling bitter, I started to be grateful for having reached that point, thankful that I had been allowed time and space to look for and find the answers.

I enrolled on a Counselling course at the local college and found a lot of the work encouraged self-analysis and I liked the fact that I was learning about myself.

I started to understand the madness of my past relationships and it felt so fantastic to see that there was a light at the end of the tunnel.

I still had black days when I craved my ex – when I called him and asked him to come back. His answer was always a resolute No! He had found another relationship and seemed to have pulled steel shutters down on us.

Thankfully, I had enough money behind me to be able to take what amounted to twelve months off work. I had no idea what I wanted to do with myself but I knew I couldn’t go back to such an aggressive workplace. My financial future worried me but still I persevered.

I knew if I stopped too soon, I would regret it for the rest of my life and tried to think of the time as an investment in my future.

I passed my counselling course! Wow, what an achievement! I enrolled on a Hypnotherapy course in Manchester still thirsty for knowledge. I wasn’t sure if it would be the right career for me but I was keen to give it a try. I was starting to be a bit worried about my finances and didn’t have a clue what I was going to do with myself.

And then, one morning I woke up and had this brainwave of an idea. Wouldn’t it be lovely if this journey could be put into a magazine and shared with other people who had reached the same point in life that had brought me to my knees?

All around me, people seemed to be going through huge changes and challenges in their lives; long term relationships ending, people battling with all types of addictions, booze, drugs, sex, food; family and teenagers causing mayhem; massive health issues…

My instinct told me it couldn’t be a coincidence, a shift is happening and so many of us are struggling to cope with the effects of it.

I started to make a few phone calls and run the idea past a few people, they seemed to love the idea. I went further and asked if people were prepared to advertise in it to help pay for its production, they seemed to love the idea. People started to offer articles free of charge to be included in the magazine. It feels so right to work on such an exciting project and I know as time passes it will evolve into a source of inspiration. Eventually we hope to develop a forum on the internet for people to share their thoughts and experiences, a place for people to ask questions and learn about their spirituality.

I know I have used the I word a great deal in this article and am conscious that it may sound a little self-indulgent but the truth is this journey needed me to be selfish. I had to find some peace within myself to make sure I would never be dependent on another person again. That doesn’t mean I won’t ever fall in love again, just next time it will be healthier and more balanced…I hope!

I hope this magazine helps people find a way to achieve a more balanced lifestyle. It is not the most academic magazine in the world but it is very definitely heartfelt and sincere. We have tried to maintain a simplicity to help our readers make informed decisions about what direction their own personal journey can take.